Monday, 3 March 2008

Mar 3rd

Crime

A Labour MP has suggested that in the wake of the Ipswich murders brothel and prostitute visitors should be forced to leave a DNA sample. Which is odd because if there’s one thing I imagine most guys leave after visiting a prostitute, I’d say it was a teaspoonful-sized DNA sample.

Other political pundits have suggested the solution which would actually work – criminalising men who pay for sex. You see most prostitutes don’t actually want to be prostitutes. Hence why these kinds of jobs aren’t normally discussed at school parent’s evenings and careers fairs. “Well Mrs Jones, Jessica hasn’t got very good grades in her mock GCSEs but she does have a really nice pair of tits so we think a vocational program may be a good idea to help get her onto the streets and earning a decent wage. She could do a six-month apprenticeship, following an experienced sex worker and making notes, then eventually look to set up her own offices. What do you think? Well yeah being a child care assistant is another option...” So a law telling women they’re not allowed to work as prostitutes doesn’t have any effect because they’re all doing it under duress. They not going to turn round and go “well I really do want that crack and my passport back but since i heard about the early-day motion in parliament, i’m starting to reconsider...”

On the other hand guys who visit prostitutes have a fair amount of control over the matter. If they have a burning and uncontrollable urge to let off some sexual steam but don’t want to visit a sex worker they can simply pop down to Blockbusters and get the Hollyoaks box set out.

Entertainment

A British chef who works as a TV presenter in the US has been fired from his job after elements of his CV turned out to have been falsified. Robert Irvine was a presenter on Dinner: Impossible, a show where chefs have to make meals in difficult circumstances, like after they’ve run out of hummus and pitted olives. Seriously if you’re making a show called Dinner: Impossible and it’s not film in a refugee camp in Darfur, it’s bullshit isn’t it?

Anyway what’s great about the story is the scale of the lies Irvine got away with. He said he had a castle in Scotland, he said he had cooked for US presidents in the White House, he said he was a friend of Prince Charles and that he made the wedding cake for Charles and Diana’s wedding, including icing illustrations of their family histories onto the sides of the cake. He then insisted on being introduced as Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order, which everyone knows is a character in Star Trek. And the thing is he made five series of his TV show before anyone started to smell a rat. Irvine has come out and apologised for his false statements, I’d be out there laughing my socks off going “You guys fell for all that? Is there some sort of post-humus Jeremy Beadle award for best long-running prank”.

Politics

David Cameron has said he would build an extra 5,000 prison places. Which would be enough to accommodate about half of the members of his own party convicted of fraud, money-laundering and fox hunting. He also said he wanted charities to do more to get prisoners off of drugs. Yeah great, that’s the trouble in this country – charities not working hard enough. I think you might find that before they can do any more work charities need some money.

International News

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said the presence of foreign forces in Iraq is a humiliation and an insult to the region. The he said that only regional forces should be in Iraq, for example Iranian forces. Mmmm. What an interesting example. So just for example, he thinks his own troops should be running Iran, with who as their leader? Could it be – for example – him?!

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