Jan 24th

Politics

An estimated 22,500 police joined a march in central London to protest over pay. Well initially only six showed up so they smashed a window, and another 20 arrived, then they started a riot and another 2,000 arrived. Finally a Brazilian guy in a puffa jacket shouted “Allah Akbar” and that brought every other met officer.

Imagine though being a petty criminal near Westminster yesterday? Like you’ve just nicked a £2 blouse out of Primark and you sprint round the corner to see 22,500 police officers marching your way.

Transport

A man who leads his girlfriend round with a dog collar has been prevented from boarding a bus in West Yorkshire. Dani Graves and his slave, sorry fiancé, are claiming discrimination, The bus company says the lead is a threat to passenger safety, which is bad news for anyone on the bus when the trainers from the local pit bull centre decide to take Rex out to the park.

The woman Tasha Maltby said the lead was her idea and previous boyfriends had called her a “weirdo” for suggesting it. And that’s news?! Try it now – go ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind leading you around on a dog lead. Then if they don’t call you a weirdo, call the press, and the police.

Asked about their relationship Mr Graves said “She’s kindof like a pet. I do everything for her. You wouldn’t expect your cat or dog to do the washing up or cleaning round the house”. True but you would expect your pet to shit in a sand box in the kitchen.

Seriously though I’m actually with the couple on this occasion, if they’re both genuinely consenting to the arrangement, what is it to us. The press seem obsessed with describing them as Goths and saying that they dress in black and all that. If having something round your neck was dangerous on buses then businessmen would have to take their ties off before boarding.

Health

Scientists say they are close to finding a way of transplanting a kidney without the need for drugs. Cos normally they’d want at least a dab of nose-candy before attempting a tricky procedure like that.

Environment

A new ship has been unveiled which is partly powered by a giant kite. If successful the owners of the MS Beluga SkySails plan to launch a sister fleet powered by yo-yos, diabolos and buzz lightyear.

Health

Fat people could be paid to lose weight under new government plans to tackle obesity. So if you’re short of cash, get down to the nearest all-you-can-eat place and load up now. The plans will offer vouchers for healthy food followed by cash prizes for those who succeed in losing weight. Great thinking because the real reason for obesity in this country is nothing to do with the rise of convenience food, the appalling way the public are treated by the food industry and the rise of the TV and playstation generation. But it turns out it’s just the lack of a financial incentive.

Other measures being proposed include so-called lunchbox police (which sounds like a dodgy chippendales tribute act) to check if children have been given a healthy lunch. Seems dumb to me, I know when I was at school the easy way to tell if kids have a healthy lunch is if they throw it away and go buy chocolate instead at the nearest newsagents.

They’re also suggesting kids have compulsory cookery lessons. They’ll only be able to make dough and instant mash of course because of the ban on knives in schools. And advising that schools give kids at least five hours of sport every week, which is actually more than the England football squad do.

Crime

A lot of coverage today of statements from Natasha Steel. In case you’re wondering who that is – she’s been listed almost everywhere as Natasha Hogan because it seems only natural for the papers to assume that she would want to keep the name of her ex husband after he murdered her son and had his defence team try to tell her it was her fault. She’s got bigger things to be upset about at the moment though as her ex-husband has been essentially let off after throwing both of her children off a 50ft balcony. John Hogan’s lawyers described him as “the best Dad [his son] could have had”, which just doesn’t ring true for me. I’ve never been in a branch of Clinton Cards and seen a mug that read “World’s best Dad, hey thanks for throwing me off a balcony to my death.”.

Fashion

The burlesque artist Dita Von Teese has been announced as the new Wonderbra model. Amazing how much coverage this issue need really...

Personally I find the woman who essentially takes her kit off for money and then claims it’s somehow liberating to take slightly less of your clothes off in a middle class cocktail lounge, extremely annoying. At least the women who work at Spearmint Rhino can legitimately claim they need the money and don’t have any choice. She legitimises an industry that’s exploiting women all over the world.

Also I’ve never seen her in a bra, she’s forever showing us all how she doesn’t really need one. Is the new range going to include nipple tassles?

And remember wonderbra’s are basically padded bras. They’re designed to make boobs look bigger – so here’s the message from Wonderbra – are you the most successful stripper in England? Sorry still not good enough, you need a padded bra.