Jan 28th

Topicals Jan 28^th

News in brief

An exhibition looking at the history of underwear has opened at a Black Country museum. Items on display include the actual pants worn by Tony Blair during his 1998 appearance on Newsnight with Jeremy Paxman. The curator of the exhibition said “You can’t talk about clothes without talking about underwear” Which sounds like she’s got a weird for of tourettes “I got a new scarf for Christmas. Bra! Knickers! Pants! She added “I hope young people will come and see exactly what their mothers and grandmothers wore back in the day”, which might have the added benefit of reducing underage pregnancy in the area. “Your grandmother would have worn these suspenders...”, “Erm, maybe not tonight...”

Education

MacDonalds is to launch it’s own nationally recognised A-level-type qualification. Repeat after me class “Vous Voulez des fries avec votre BigMac?”. Anyway this disproves the myth that all kids can do after a UK state education is work at MacDonalds. No – they can’t even do that.

Last year they complained about the dictionary definition of McJob, saying that defining it as “an unstimulating low-paid job with few prospects” was insulting and out of date. They also asked to change the definition of “insulting” to “accurate” and “out of date” to “still true”.

Animal Welfare

Now I’m not a big campaigner for animal rights, but there was one BBC headline that struck me as needlessly cruel today. “Five legged cat to lose two paws”. So the poor thing is going from one leg too many to one too few. Couldn’t they just give it a couple of weeks with the right number of legs in the middle there? In fact the two legs to be removed are deformed. Vets say this is the result of inbreeding – incidentally the same factors explain why prince Philip is only able to speak out of his arse.

Crime

A man has been jailed for six years after admitting to blackmailing Tescos. Philip McHugh demanded £1m from the supermarket last year. I just don’t understand HOW you can blackmail Tescos. Has he got photos of it in bed with Asda? He actually made bomb threats to more than ten different branches of the store. The effect on local people was noticeable – they looked healthier and fitter and reported having less heart attacks.

Health

A report out today says that while junk-food eating children are more likely to misbehave in class when a teacher is present, once the teacher leaves it is those children eating a healthy diet the so-called banana louts - who are more likely to be naughty. Possibly because they can give the junk food eating kids a really good kicking.

Immigration

Mills and Boon have started publishing in the UK in Polish. The new novels are much better written than the originals and available at half the price.

International News

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has called on other regional countries to join him in forming a military alliance against the US. It’s amazing Chavez can walk around so easily with balls that big. He’s like “hey you, you with the massive nuclear arsenal, go fuck yourself”.

And finally

A South Korean singer has offered to prove on live TV that he hasn’t been castrated by a Japanese gangster. I don’t think I need to write a punchline do I?