Jan 29th

Politcs

A senior Tory MP has been forced to apologise after paying £45,000 expenses to his son. Derek Conway listed his son Henry as his “parliamentary assistant” while the boy was in fact away studying at university. The fraud came to light when investigators noticed that conservative party policies were completely rubbish and anyone who had watched a few episodes of Montel Williams could have done a lot better.

International news

Israel has apologised for banning the beatles when they planned to visit the country in 1965. Many beatles classics as we now know them in fact contain lyric changes instigated by the band after the Israeli ban. Few now remember the classics: Baby You Can Drive My Car, But Get Out Quickly, I Wanna Bomb Your Settlement and With A Little Help From My Wahabist Sympathisers.

Entertainment

Russell Brand peed in to a cup during his weekly radio show. The move was seen as vital since otherwise his penis would have missed a whole week of news coverage.

Crime

A major trial is being launched to see whether nutritional supplements reduce anti-social behaviour in prisons. This comes after a smaller recent study seemed to imply a link, it is not yet clear however whether the nutrients made the prisoners calmer or whether they simply used up all their anger and aggression punching the picture of Gillian McKeith on the boxes.

They say the problem is not prison food which is highly nutritious, especially with all the spunk from the sex offenders working in the kitchen, but in fact the problem lies with prisoners making poor choices. Presumably starting with the choice they made to borrow all that jewellery without permission from the shops and go on holiday right after completely forgetting about the heroin-filled condom mid after-noon snack they’d had the day before...

Terrorism

Four men have pleaded guilty to offences linked to a plot to kidnap and murder a Muslim member of the British armed forces. Ringleader Parviz Khan said he intended to behead his victim “like a pig”. Except of course Muslim’s don’t eat pork so don’t kill pigs.

Religion

Pope Benedict has made a speech to academics at the Vatican warning them against the “seductive” powers of science. Oh good. He said “No science can say who man is, where he comes from or where he is going”. To which any half-decent scientific academic would reply “Close relative of the chimp, East Africa and nowhere very interesting if we don’t get global warming sorted out soon.”

Benedict then told the conference “Man is not the fruit of chance or a bundle of convergences, determinisms or physical and chemical reactions ... what’s that? Or, sorry, news just in, man IS the fruit of chance, a bundle of convergences, determinism and physical and chemical reactions.”