Mar 5th

Education

And we start with the news that hundreds of thousands of families have just found out if their children have gotten in to the schools of their choice. Of course the politicians seem to spend all day debating how they can make sure parents get “the right to choose” but for me that rather obviates the real question: why do we have schools which parents will happily move house and open a court case to get their kids away from? And of course these schools end up full of the kids whose parents can’t be bothered to find a good school for them. So to add to the misery of knowing your parent’s don’t give a stuff about you, you end up at a school even paedophiles would think twice about going to.

Crime

A nurse who murdered four elderly patients has been ordered to spend at least 30 years in prison. The BBC coverage was quite cautious – describing him as “evil” in inverted commas. I think once you’ve murdered four, you’re pretty definitely evil. He killed the four women by giving them an overdose of insulin and was caught out when a particularly bright doctor noticed that they weren’t diabetic.

Karl Taylor is also facing a minimum 30 years in jail after he murdered Kate Beagley after meeting her for a date. His defence team actually had the nerve to argue that she “became hysterical and threw her throat against his knife more than 30 times, thus technically committing suicide”. Now there are times in my life when things have gone wrong for me emotionally and I’ll not deny that I’ve been hysterical. I might have shouted angrily, stamped my feet, or even slapped someone who was pissing me off. I have to say I’ve never been quite hysterical enough to attack a knife with my neck. How stupid do they think jurors are? Your honour he sucked the bullet out of my handgun with his magnetic force field.

Arts

Culture Minister Margaret Hodge has said the proms are not inclusive enough and attract too narrow a section of society. Yeah, they’re the proms, they’re classical music concert, what did you want, the Royal Philharmonic singing Bob the Builder, Can He Fix It? This is yet another part of the on-going search for some defining icon of Britishness which the racists in power can then use as an excuse to deport anyone who isn’t caucasian. Instead Herr Hodge of the Gestapo praised Coronation Street as an icon of a common culture. Well I must say when I watch northerners arguing in a grubby pub in a street with a higher murder rate than Beirut, it does make me proud to be British. Well it would do but of course I don’t watch Coronation Street cos it’s rubbish. David Cameron said he thought the proms were a great symbol of Britishness because of all the flag-waving. This of course means he’s talking about the last night of the proms which is basically a concert for those stupid enough to enjoy Coronation Street but too inbred to have the opposable thumbs required to operate a remote control. Personally I seldom bond so closely with my fellow Brits as when we’re engaged in a heated debate slagging off both groups.

Crime

A judge in Japan has thrown out a conviction for destruction of property against model Serena Kozakura after she demonstrated that her boobs were too big for her to have crawled through the hole in the door used by the alleged intruder. Well I can’t help thinking the possibly the real issue was that after the evidence had been presented the judge was in no fit state to make important decisions.

Economy

Some good, if long overdue and too incremental to make much real difference, news, the minimum wage is to rise 3.8% to £5.73 an hour in October. This will mean that those working full time on minimum wage will continue to be able to afford free food and walking to work.

Travel

Transport Secretary Ruth Kelly has admitted that concerns about privacy, fairness and enforcement for her road charging scheme could not yet be satisfactorily answered. The programme plans to launch hugely expensive satellites to track every single car in the UK , every single minute of every day and charge them for using the roads. Satellite and surveillance equipment makers are unbelievably in favour of the scheme. Everybody else in the country with half a brain has noticed that if you want to charge people for using the roads, you can just raise the tax on petrol. This has the added advantage of taxing those who use a lot of petrol more and those with more efficient vehicles less. Ms Kelly said, "People legitimately raised concerns about privacy, fairness and how any scheme would be enforced. We don't have all the answers to those questions yet. We can't introduce this without having answers to those questions.” I’m thinking she meant “Come on boys, everyone can see these proposals are completely stupid so you’re gonna have to bribe me hard if you want them through...”. Watch this space though, sometime in the next few weeks we’re going to hear “Tonight’s headlines and Jordan has gotten her boobs out, as this detailed footage shows ... and we’re all getting road charging whether we like it or not ... and in London three men with beards have been arrested and accused of trying to blow up the whole country with a big dirty/nuclear/chemical* (*delete as appropriate) weapon. The men are expected to be held for three days and then let go after we admit we’ve got no evidence and only arrested them so people wouldn’t think the met were doing nothing about terrorism.”

Feb 19th

Health

And the BBC reports that psoriasis care around the UK is inconsistent. They interviewed a number of doctors and patients all of whom were trying really very hard not to describe the quality of care in the UK as patchy or flaky. The report is actually pretty gruesome with claims that even basic things like bathing and showering facilities were insufficient, patients are having to apply potentially dangerous creams and lotions themselves and counselling is unavailable to many who want it, including those feeling suicidal. The government responded saying it was up to primary care trusts to choose local priorities for improving services. True enough, but it was the government who established the primary care trusts, assuring us at the time that treatment wouldn’t be affected. It’s kind of like if you’re supposed to be running a kitchen and someone asks why the dishes aren’t washed and you respond with “it’s up to junior members of kitchen staff to prioritise cleaning duties in their own areas”. You’d get fired, of course but then that’s an important job, running a kitchen, not a trivial one like running the country’s health.

Intl News

Fidel Castro has stepped down as Cuban leader. The move prompted both Gordon Brown and George Bush to announce their hope that this would lead to democracy in Cuba, and that Cuba may sometime soon have a popular leader elected fairly by the people. Unlike the US and the UK. In case the Cuban people are still failing to see the benefits of a western democracy Bush has erected a small theme-park-style attraction in Cuba where the spoils of capitalism and democracy can be seen. It’s called Guantanamo Bay.

Crime

Mark Dixie, the man accused of murdering Sally-Anne Bowman really needs to think a bit more before he stands up in court and says things. Remember the story so far – his DNA is all over Sally-Anne’s body. He claims he didn’t kill her but he did have sex with her corpse as he was wandering home. Giving evidence yesterday he explained, so we wouldn’t all be totally horrified by his claims. He now says he didn’t realise she was dead until after he’d had sex with her. You really know your sexual technique isn’t up to much when you only realise afterwards that the person you’re shagging is dead.

Terrorism

The government’s counter terrorism watchdog has suggested that control orders – placing suspects under virtual house arrest should last no longer than two years and instead suspects should be given ASBOs. Now I’m not a fan of the ASBO, much as I dislike seeing behooded youths spitting, swearing and congregating in underground car parks kick cans about, I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that legislation solves and nor do I think that it’s a policy that stands any chance of being fairly implemented. The problem with ASBOs for terrorists however is isn’t it stretching it a bit to describe blowing up innocent people as "anti-social"?

Feb 18th

International News

John Prescott has warned people not to criticise China for its tacit support of the genocide in Darfur. He said “I always discuss human rights with China”. Adding “and I discuss paedopholia with the catholic church and global warming with Jeremy Clarkson.”

Finance

The government has announced it is to nationalise Northern Rock. The Conservatives responded saying they felt the bank should be privately owned. By them. The plans will include a downsizing of the bank and job cuts among the 4,300 staff, who will each lose an arm.

The bank’s new head, Ron Sandler assured the public however that it would be “business as usual” so shitty service, unnecessary charges and regular management trips to expensive lap-dancing joints. Seriously – “business as usual”, so lets carry on doing the same thing we were doing before when we went bust...! Great thinking.

Education

Oral tests could be dropped from GCSE language qualifications because they are “too stressful”. Instead students will be continually assessed throughout the year. So basically an oral test that lasts a whole year. That would be less stressful, right? The move has been welcomed by the MoD who are experiencing a serious shortfall in Arabic and Pashtun translators. Although of course it is expected that in the future the military will have to communicate with insurgents using only multiple choice questions.

A few years ago they also stripped out the requirement for a written test in many GCSE language courses. If they reduce the standards any further I will be personally qualified in Persian, Russian and Swahili.

Agriculture

OK, not agriculture, American food. And the US has recalled 64.9m kg of beef, the largest recall in the country’s history. The department of health assured the public that the risk was minimal since (in their own words) “Much of the meat was purchased for school lunch and other federal nutrition programmes”. Don’t worry, only children and the poor are going to die. And they don’t vote republican anyway... The problem is that the meat came from animals known as “downers” in the inhumane horror-factories in which they exist. These are animals too weak to stand and you’re really not supposed to put them into burgers and feed them to people who are also too weak to stand. It just creates a vicious cycle.

Crime

The police are to be given 110 airport-style portable metal detecting arches to be taken to pubs, clubs, schools or wherever they are needed. The trouble with arches of course is that they work best embedded into a wall. I can’t help thinking that some of the most shrewd and canny criminal may ingeniously plan to walk around them.

Crime again

Mohammed al-Fayed has said Princess Diana and Dodi al-Fayed were murdered. He went on to say he wasn’t going to make any allegations. So I think next time he applied for British citizenship we can reject him on the basis that he’s not really trying to learn the language. Saying they were murdered is definitely an allegation.

Still Crime

A fifteen-year-old girl has been convicted of filming a “happy slap” on her mobile phone. The victim of the happy slap was assaulted and beaten to the point where his spleen ruptured and he died. How is it that if you film it it’s a happy slap and if not it’s manslaughter. Presumably if you film the crime hit and run car crime becomes “happy bumping”, shooting someone’s jaw off is “happy shaving” and rape becomes “happy groping”. Actually I’m sure somewhere in the UK right now there is a police officer trying to convince a very frightened looking young woman that she was probably asking for her “happy groping”. Puke.

Feb 14th

International News

MPs have expressed concern about the “tone and timing” of comments from Afghan president Hamid Karzai. Yes, the “tone and timing”. That’s the kind of thing you say when you know you’ve lost an argument. “It’s not what you said, it’s that voice you said it in and why did you have to say it now when you know I’m having a bad day?”. Apparently they thought the appropriate timing would be “When we’re not in power any more” and the appropriate tone would be “below the audible decibel range of the human ear”.

What Karzai said was that having British troops in Afghanistan was only making things worse. Now you know you fucked up when you invade a country, stick in a puppet leader of your own choosing and then he turns round and tells you to fuck off. If the British prescence in Afghanistan isn’t helping the Afghanis, why are we there? Is it helping us in some way? Do our brave boys and girls in uniform like getting shot at?

Crime

Five Muslim men have had their convictions quashed after they were convicted of reading extremist literature. The defence have argued that reading a book does not constitute intending to act on the information in it. Otherwise there’d be several million people commuting to work on broomsticks now and Man Utd would be playing quidditch.

Health

A study for the Journal of Clinical Nursing suggests that post-natal depression is much more common in mothers who have male children. The study was carried out in France however and a UK-based analyst said the data could be affected by cultural issues in male-female relationships as well as the fact that delivery is more painful when the infant comes out with its hands in the air waving a white flag.

Science

A group of US-based scientists have developed brush-like fibres that generate electrical energy from movement. They hope that these can be incorporated into clothing that powers the wearer’s electronic devices. I’m looking forward to the day when we’ll see people at bus stops shouting into their mobile phone “I’M LOSING THE SIGNAL, I’LL HAVE TO DANCE”.

Space

The government is to launch a formal review into whether British astronauts should take part in the international exploration of space. What the hell are British astronauts doing now? Drinking tea and eating biscuits while the review is done. What’s the point of astronauts if they’re not going into space? They should be re-named staff-room-o-nauts. If they are going to send British citizens into space however I do think it should be done with a reality TV show “I’m a really annoying quasi-celebrity, get me off this planet” and a follow-up show “What not to wear in space where we vote whether or not to give them helmets”.

Crime (again)

Detective Superintendent Steve Richardson, who has led a series of drugs raids across London has said that the seizing of 111kg of cocaine was a “huge success”. He also said he was the supreme overlord of the universe. Then he sniffed a bit and said he was going to become a rock star.

500 police officers were involved in the raids, which means actually they’re only getting about 200g each. They would have taken more cocaine off the streets if they’d just given them all an early Christmas bonus and told them to take the night off and enjoy themselves. In one of the raids a JCB digger was used to smash through a wall. So the police deliberately drove a huge piece of industrial equipment in to a wall and then started telling other people not to have such a reckless lifestyle.

Travel

BAA has begun a six-month trial of a new baggage tracking system. They’re trialling a never-before-tested idea where they actually put the bags that belong to you on the plane that you’re on. No, they’re going to use radio frequency identification tags. They hope this could “significantly improve efficiency” by letting passengers find out online which land-fill their baggage has been dumped in.

Feb 6th

Politics

A police reform report due out this week claims time and money wasted on red tape could put 3,000 more officers on the streets. A follow-up report is expected to explain that a further 50 could be on the beat if they stopped spending money on police reform reports. The author of the report Sir Ronnie Flanagan has spent a year compiling the report, a year he could have spent like Bob Geldof organising a big charity rock concert. The government is expected to face harsh questioning on why Live Aid 9 never happened.

The main culprit in the alleged overspend is the forms officers have to fill in when they perform a stop and search. These forms were brought in to monitor whether ethnic minorities were being unfairly targeted. So all that money being wasted making sure the police aren’t racist. What a waste eh? Let’s just assume they’re not and save all that money...

Crime

And in response to Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s claims that she didn’t feel safe walking the streets at night a group of four Labour MPS went for an after-hours wander around Hackney, right near where I live. This was notable among local residents as the first time people had ever wished there was more gun and knife crime in their area.

Intl News

Osama bin Laden's son, Omar, and his British wife are in Rome in an effort to meet with the Pope on their self-proclaimed mission to promote world peace. Was the pope ever likely to go to war? Are they worried about a reprise of the 1527 sack of Rome by the Swiss Guards? How ironic that after your Dad’s army flies planes into the World Trade Centre you should be advising a group of guys dressed as court jesters to “put down those halberds”.

Celebrities

Glamour model Jordan has spoken out to warn other women about the dangers plastic surgery. This is significant a break from the past where just looking at her warned women about the dangers of plastic surgery. She is unhappy with her recent boob reduction surgery because, and this is a direct quote: "When I saw my boobs I was disappointed because they looked big … But I still want people to think I've got big boobs." The surgeon’s failure may well be down to his insistence on using a scalpel rather than an improbability drive.

And finally in Wales

A brass band that won an award contains five married couples. I don’t know why this is news, unless of course they’re a six-piece band. Maybe they just kept giving each other the horn...

Feb 5th

London

The new low emissions zone in London came in to effect yesterday. This left many 4x4 drivers confused by the signs and unsure whether or not they should use their vehicles. Lets clarify for any confused listeners – if the road is tarmacked – you shouldn’t be driving a 4x4, fuck off, I don’t care how many precious little hypo-allergenic brats you’ve got in it, or how many council estates you pass on the way to your overpriced selective school – walk, cycle or use public transport, the whole climate change thing isn’t one last hilarious posthumous prank from Jeremy Beadle, if we don’t sort it out there’ll be no point having kids soon.

Still with the environment

The Independent reports that an area twice the size of continental US in the Pacific Ocean has become what they call a plastic soup. If you’re wondering what that would taste like – order a thick-shake at MacDonald’s. Researchers are calling the area a “trash vortex”, a term normally only applied to Birmingham. One way to get rid of an area of trash twice the size of continental US of course would be to dump it on continental US. Twice.

Scotland

And a BBC headline screams “Workers had sex on double time” – as though having sex at work was perfectly acceptable as long as you were only paid at a basic, non-bonus rate. Seriously – they even interview a witness to the alleged shag saying “Everyone who was in, including them, would have been on double time”. One of the accused is the director of leisure – who can surely chalk this one down to research – and is genuinely called Mr Woodcock. Mr McNeil, the employee who shopped the shagging pair has since been fired and is taking legal action amidst counter claims that he traded sex for favours in the council’s sports department. Apologies if your office sounds a bit dull now.

Politics

New housing minister Caroline Flint has said people living in social housing should get jobs. Social housing by the way is the new term for council housing – social housing sounds like there might be no dividing walls, so you can just pop over for a cuppa any time. She says she is surprised to discover unemployment levels are higher among those in social housing then the rest of the population. Doh. Don’t you get it – people without jobs, have less money and are less likely to have just put a deposit down on a semi-detached with a couple of ornamental lions by the door and about half an acre of decking. Whatever next – turns out the unemployed also own less Faberge eggs than the rest of the population.

Science

Another alleged breakthrough in franken-science. A group in Newcastle claims to have created an embryo with one father and two mothers. They said this was safer than having two fathers who would only fight about football and leave twice as much dirty laundry on the floor.

Health

A study from The Netherlands National Institute of Public Health and Environment discovered that those with a healthy lifestyle cost taxpayers more in medical bills over their lifetime than the obese or smokers. For five-fruit-and-veg-a-day yoga enthusiasts the bill is £210,000, £165,000 for smokers and £187,000 for the obese. The government is expected to respond with a series of pro-smoking, pro-obesity adverts. Tag lines like “Your first £40,000 of cigarettes are on us!” and “Don’t be a healthcare scrounger, have an extra quarter-pounder”. Ok that doesn’t even rhyme.

Feb 4th

War on terror

The government has issued a new phrase book to advise civil servants on how to talk to Muslims about terrorism without implying they are to blame. Phrases to be employed include “The Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Islamic, wiccan, secular or Jedi suicide bomber ran into the building shouting “Allah Akbah”” and readers are advised to replace the term “jihadi fundamentalist” with “thug”. Which could backfire if the substitution is made the other way round. It’s quite a rough nightclub, they have a couple of right jihadi fundamentalists on the door.

Environment

The worst polluting lorries, buses and coaches are now being charged £200 a day to enter London. Boris Johnson (really) said this was “the most punitive, draconian fining regime in the whole of Europe” after which his spokeswoman said Boris was “in favour in principle”. So I guess he really likes punitive draconian regimes...

Science

A group of scientists have announced what they describe as a major breakthough – they have succeeded in giving a mouse a cold. Well done team – how about focussing on curing the common cold? The last thing that’s going to make me feel any better when on the sofa wrappen a duvet sipping Lemsip is the sound of my rodent infestation sneezing in the basement.

Education

The government has unveiled plans to have two students from every school in England sent to Auschwitz. When I was a kid the worst you could get was after-school detention. They hope that the students will return and tell the rest of their classmates about the experience. School’s Minister Jim Knight said “It was not hot-blooded brutality, it happened in a very planned way, with some people designing the process of death and others carrying it out. Every young person should have an understanding of this”. Those students with the best understanding of planned brutality will earn themselves the title “school bully”.

Crime

A major new report on honour killings and forced marriages in the UK has been released. Crimes of the Community presents a grim picture of life in the UK for women in many religious minorities. In the report one woman described how she had been tricked in to marriage to a mentally retarded man. Victoria Beckham said in retrospect she should have made more of a fuss.

Travel

A German travel agent is planning a nudist flight. The journey from Erfurt to Usedom on the Baltic coast will cost 499 Euros and take place in July. Regional baggage handlers have booked the day off. The cabin safety announcements have been modified to accommodate the naked passengers. The new advice says “in the event of a water landing, trust me the sharks are more scared than you are”. The life jackets will not have whistles since the passengers are likely to be well able to attract attention to themselves unaided.

International News

A UN report says women in Saudi Arabia should be allowed more basic freedoms. Follow-up reports are expected to advise nations that bear may shit in the woods and the pope may be just a little bit catholic. The Saudi government responded saying they hadn’t seen any discrimination against women. Mainly because all the women were locked up indoors unable to go outside on pain of being stoned to death. He really did say there was no discrimination against women in Saudi Arabia. Like he hasn’t noticed that Saudi women aren’t allowed to drive or travel anywhere unaccompanied by male relatives.

History

According to just released historical documents, a toilet attendant in Oxford Street foiled an IRA bombing attack. Thomas Hawkett spotted the bomb in a cubicle in 1939. He quickly dumped it in a bucket of water, knowing this would render the explosive charge inoperative. In recognition of hi courageous action, officials awarded Hawkett £5 for his "commendable and meritorious conduct". The next time Hawkett spotted a suspicious package, he shoved it up the official’s ass.

Religion

A group of computer hackers has targeted The Church of Scientology, manipulating Google so that a search for the term “dangerous cult” gives the official Scientology website as the first result. This is particularly bad news for those surfing the net for information about Catholicism who will now have to scroll to page two.

Feb 1st

International news

Abu Laith Al-Libi, a senior al-Qaeda leader has been killed in Afghanistan after a US missile strike in the North Waziristan area. Now I don’t wish to sound cynical but – I AM. I’ve never heard of this guy, I didn’t know we were looking for him. Really sounds to me like it could just be that there hasn’t been much “good” war news for a while so the next time the army kills a couple of local peasants they get a call “Hey, guys, yeah we need some good news. Just make up a name and a location and make sure it’s got some Als at the beginning and a Stan at the end and we’ll get it out in the press and pretend it matters.” OK boss so Al-Ronaldo Mac Al-Donaldo has been killed following serious fighting in the Cheese-On-Toast-istan area”. Incidentally can you tell I’m hungry writing this...

In a vain attempt to make us think we might have heard of him, they explain “He has appeared in a number of al-Qaeda videos” which is like saying “we’ve shot the dark-haired ugly one on the right in the Boyzone videos” – NOOOO! Shoot Ronan, go for Ronan!

Now they’re saying this dude is in the top half-dozen figures in al-Qaeda that we’re looking for. So I think they should publish a big list of the others, maybe in a big Blue-Peter-style patronising graphic. Like a big test tube which gradually fills up with terrorist blood every time we kill one.

Of course the graphic we really need is a big see-saw showing how many jihadi terrorists we’ve killed versus how many we’ve created with the blindly aggressive shoot-em-up we have the misfortune to call our foreign policy.

Health

And the UK is experiencing a surge in cases of gout. Add this to the recent reports of rising syphilis levels and seems like everybody’s got an 18^th century illness. I might develop consumption just to join in.

Experts blame the rise on an increase in the amount of sugary soft drinks being consumed. That’s the gout rise, the syphilis rise is probably more closely correlated with the consumption of sugary alcoholic drinks.

Nature

A bizarre new mammal has been discovered in Tanzania. The creature, a type of elephant shrew is described as having a long flexible snout and a bulky body with spindly legs. So it could be the bastard love child of Barry Manilowe and Vanessa Feltz. OK, sorry, didn’t mean to put anyone off their lunch!

Arts

A judge in Rio has banned a carnival float which was to have depicted holocaust victims and a Hitler figure. The story has echoes of Britain in 2003 when Felixstowe carnival was forced to apologise for it’s Fred West theme float, sponsored by Wilson and Son Patio Tilers.

History

A Chinese shopping list thought to be 300 years old has been found in a vase in a York stately home. Archaeologists are now studying the list to see what it can teach us about life in the 18^th century far east. One day our shopping lists could be discovered and analysed the same way so lets all plan to put one weird item on each shopping list we write just to confuse archaeologists of the future. Milk, eggs, pasta, giraffe dildo, muesli. Obviously don’t leave that list out for your Mum to get for you when she goes to the shops ... it could backfire.

Science

A DNA survey has revealed that everyone alive today with blue eyes is descended from a single common ancestor. Which means I’m related to Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie and Uma Thurman, shame none of them inherited the rest of my good looks.

Papers

The Daily Mail has a rather confusing front page caption “And the award for best prime minister goes to...” underneath a photo of David Cameron, who has never been prime minister and Margaret Thatcher, the worst prime minister ever. In fact Mrs Thatcher was being given a lifetime achievement award sponsored by investment bank Morgan Stanley who we all know are the people with the interests of the British public most closely at heart. Cameron took the opportunity to describe Mrs Thatcher as “one of the greatest prime ministers of all time”, saying she had rescued people from “despair”. That would be the despair of having a job, the despair of the protection of trade union membership over pay and conditions and the despair of not being at war.

Crime

South Wales police are to adopt American-style phone answering methods in an effort to speed up dealing with 999 calls. In the past they’ve been too polite to ask what the problem is and have had to spend the first five minutes making small talk about the weather. “Lovely day to be out getting mugged isn’t it...” They hope the measures will have the added effect of reducing calls from non-emergencies. Recent – genuine – 999 calls have included people asking for help retrieving £1 deposit from a supermarket trolley and asking whether it’s safe to leave a chicken in the oven overnight.

Lets hope though that the American style of policing doesn’t spread across all aspects of the service in Wales, how scary would this be: [welsh accent] “Up against the wall and assume the position, you cocksucker”

Statistics

15% of pupils in a survey said Winston Churchill worked in insurance. Their teachers responded (all together now) Oh no, no, no, no, no...

Jan 31st

[Sorry - no podcast yesterday - I was working in Taunton Tues night and got back very late, some of yesterdays stories featured today though!]

Health

Statistics released by the Office for National Statistics say that the number of children being born to immigrant mothers has risen sharply over recent years. Really? And this comes as a surprise? Turns out some Polish people have noticed the differential between the rates of pay in their own country and the UK, plus the fact that it’s totally legal to move to the UK and actually come over. Worse still, shock horror, some of them fuck.

What are the shock-horror headlines suggesting? A ban on shagging migrants? Two sets of maternity wards – nice ones for the mothers who can prove Anglo-Saxon or Celtic descent and then cattle sheds for anyone with a bit of an accent? And of course the focus is all on foreign-born mothers, no-one bothers to mention that a fair few of these babies probably have British fathers.

Meanwhile the aghast journalists tell us, British women are having less babies. Yes, we all know how badly the NHS’s standards are falling and we don’t want to do that. Bearing in mind that there’s another story out today that a drug addicted mother has had 14 of her children taken away from her by social services. Could it be that Britain is generating the WRONG KIND OF BABIES! And we’re still forgetting that women don’t just get pregnant on their own.

Maybe the solution is to target men. Posters in gent’s toilets: Don’t be a shit, only shag a brit. Don’t be like these mugs – say “no” to girls on drugs.

Science

A group of medical researchers believe they may have found a way to reverse memory loss in patients. The process involving deep brain tissue stimulation was originally being trialled as a means to combat obesity. However the process backfired when the patient suddenly remembered how much he liked chips.

Crime

Maxine Carr, the accomplice to the Soham murders is to marry and is rumoured to be pregnant. The news revealed in the Daily Mail doesn’t say very much for the effectiveness of the police efforts to change her identity and allow her to live in obscurity. I hate the Mail. Here’s their actual comment on the story “The news will devastate the parents of Huntley's ten-year-old victims, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman.” But the parents of Wells and Chapman wouldn’t know about the news if it wasn’t all over the Daily Mail.

Papers

My other favourite paper The Daily Express leads today with “council tax up to pay fatcats £50,000 a year”, claiming that 30,000 people working in town halls across the country now earn more than £50,000 a year. Now given that there are 45,000 towns in the UK, that’s not even one well-paid councillor each, but of course the Express glosses over that to describe these people as “faceless bureaucrats. So presumably half the money is disability allowances to help them cope with having no faces.

Finance

The US central bank is desperately trying to ward off a recession, cutting interest rate by a further half a percent. They also called up George Bush and pleased with him not to do anything or say anything. At all. Ever.

International News

An Afghan journalist has been sentenced to death for reading an article about women’s right. Boy I’m glad we invaded Afghanistan and threw out those evil Taleban eh? They must be really grateful to us for bringing them freedom, human rights and democracy. The Independent coverage of the story featured a picture of a woman in a burqa with the caption “The burqa is seen by many as a sign of female subjugation” which is a bit like saying “shooting people in the head is seen by many as a sign of violence”.

Travel

A transatlantic flight has to make an unscheduled landing after one of the pilots started behaving strangely, shouting, swearing and asking for God. A lot of religious groups are allowed to overlook employment discrimination laws. They keep gay people and women and so on out of positions of power in their communities because they still live by rules invented a couple of millennia ago. Well now I want a special airline for atheists, where all the pilots don’t believe in an afterlife.

Jan 29th

Politcs

A senior Tory MP has been forced to apologise after paying £45,000 expenses to his son. Derek Conway listed his son Henry as his “parliamentary assistant” while the boy was in fact away studying at university. The fraud came to light when investigators noticed that conservative party policies were completely rubbish and anyone who had watched a few episodes of Montel Williams could have done a lot better.

International news

Israel has apologised for banning the beatles when they planned to visit the country in 1965. Many beatles classics as we now know them in fact contain lyric changes instigated by the band after the Israeli ban. Few now remember the classics: Baby You Can Drive My Car, But Get Out Quickly, I Wanna Bomb Your Settlement and With A Little Help From My Wahabist Sympathisers.

Entertainment

Russell Brand peed in to a cup during his weekly radio show. The move was seen as vital since otherwise his penis would have missed a whole week of news coverage.

Crime

A major trial is being launched to see whether nutritional supplements reduce anti-social behaviour in prisons. This comes after a smaller recent study seemed to imply a link, it is not yet clear however whether the nutrients made the prisoners calmer or whether they simply used up all their anger and aggression punching the picture of Gillian McKeith on the boxes.

They say the problem is not prison food which is highly nutritious, especially with all the spunk from the sex offenders working in the kitchen, but in fact the problem lies with prisoners making poor choices. Presumably starting with the choice they made to borrow all that jewellery without permission from the shops and go on holiday right after completely forgetting about the heroin-filled condom mid after-noon snack they’d had the day before...

Terrorism

Four men have pleaded guilty to offences linked to a plot to kidnap and murder a Muslim member of the British armed forces. Ringleader Parviz Khan said he intended to behead his victim “like a pig”. Except of course Muslim’s don’t eat pork so don’t kill pigs.

Religion

Pope Benedict has made a speech to academics at the Vatican warning them against the “seductive” powers of science. Oh good. He said “No science can say who man is, where he comes from or where he is going”. To which any half-decent scientific academic would reply “Close relative of the chimp, East Africa and nowhere very interesting if we don’t get global warming sorted out soon.”

Benedict then told the conference “Man is not the fruit of chance or a bundle of convergences, determinisms or physical and chemical reactions ... what’s that? Or, sorry, news just in, man IS the fruit of chance, a bundle of convergences, determinism and physical and chemical reactions.”

Jan 28th

Topicals Jan 28^th

News in brief

An exhibition looking at the history of underwear has opened at a Black Country museum. Items on display include the actual pants worn by Tony Blair during his 1998 appearance on Newsnight with Jeremy Paxman. The curator of the exhibition said “You can’t talk about clothes without talking about underwear” Which sounds like she’s got a weird for of tourettes “I got a new scarf for Christmas. Bra! Knickers! Pants! She added “I hope young people will come and see exactly what their mothers and grandmothers wore back in the day”, which might have the added benefit of reducing underage pregnancy in the area. “Your grandmother would have worn these suspenders...”, “Erm, maybe not tonight...”

Education

MacDonalds is to launch it’s own nationally recognised A-level-type qualification. Repeat after me class “Vous Voulez des fries avec votre BigMac?”. Anyway this disproves the myth that all kids can do after a UK state education is work at MacDonalds. No – they can’t even do that.

Last year they complained about the dictionary definition of McJob, saying that defining it as “an unstimulating low-paid job with few prospects” was insulting and out of date. They also asked to change the definition of “insulting” to “accurate” and “out of date” to “still true”.

Animal Welfare

Now I’m not a big campaigner for animal rights, but there was one BBC headline that struck me as needlessly cruel today. “Five legged cat to lose two paws”. So the poor thing is going from one leg too many to one too few. Couldn’t they just give it a couple of weeks with the right number of legs in the middle there? In fact the two legs to be removed are deformed. Vets say this is the result of inbreeding – incidentally the same factors explain why prince Philip is only able to speak out of his arse.

Crime

A man has been jailed for six years after admitting to blackmailing Tescos. Philip McHugh demanded £1m from the supermarket last year. I just don’t understand HOW you can blackmail Tescos. Has he got photos of it in bed with Asda? He actually made bomb threats to more than ten different branches of the store. The effect on local people was noticeable – they looked healthier and fitter and reported having less heart attacks.

Health

A report out today says that while junk-food eating children are more likely to misbehave in class when a teacher is present, once the teacher leaves it is those children eating a healthy diet the so-called banana louts - who are more likely to be naughty. Possibly because they can give the junk food eating kids a really good kicking.

Immigration

Mills and Boon have started publishing in the UK in Polish. The new novels are much better written than the originals and available at half the price.

International News

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has called on other regional countries to join him in forming a military alliance against the US. It’s amazing Chavez can walk around so easily with balls that big. He’s like “hey you, you with the massive nuclear arsenal, go fuck yourself”.

And finally

A South Korean singer has offered to prove on live TV that he hasn’t been castrated by a Japanese gangster. I don’t think I need to write a punchline do I?

Jan 24th

Politics

An estimated 22,500 police joined a march in central London to protest over pay. Well initially only six showed up so they smashed a window, and another 20 arrived, then they started a riot and another 2,000 arrived. Finally a Brazilian guy in a puffa jacket shouted “Allah Akbar” and that brought every other met officer.

Imagine though being a petty criminal near Westminster yesterday? Like you’ve just nicked a £2 blouse out of Primark and you sprint round the corner to see 22,500 police officers marching your way.

Transport

A man who leads his girlfriend round with a dog collar has been prevented from boarding a bus in West Yorkshire. Dani Graves and his slave, sorry fiancé, are claiming discrimination, The bus company says the lead is a threat to passenger safety, which is bad news for anyone on the bus when the trainers from the local pit bull centre decide to take Rex out to the park.

The woman Tasha Maltby said the lead was her idea and previous boyfriends had called her a “weirdo” for suggesting it. And that’s news?! Try it now – go ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind leading you around on a dog lead. Then if they don’t call you a weirdo, call the press, and the police.

Asked about their relationship Mr Graves said “She’s kindof like a pet. I do everything for her. You wouldn’t expect your cat or dog to do the washing up or cleaning round the house”. True but you would expect your pet to shit in a sand box in the kitchen.

Seriously though I’m actually with the couple on this occasion, if they’re both genuinely consenting to the arrangement, what is it to us. The press seem obsessed with describing them as Goths and saying that they dress in black and all that. If having something round your neck was dangerous on buses then businessmen would have to take their ties off before boarding.

Health

Scientists say they are close to finding a way of transplanting a kidney without the need for drugs. Cos normally they’d want at least a dab of nose-candy before attempting a tricky procedure like that.

Environment

A new ship has been unveiled which is partly powered by a giant kite. If successful the owners of the MS Beluga SkySails plan to launch a sister fleet powered by yo-yos, diabolos and buzz lightyear.

Health

Fat people could be paid to lose weight under new government plans to tackle obesity. So if you’re short of cash, get down to the nearest all-you-can-eat place and load up now. The plans will offer vouchers for healthy food followed by cash prizes for those who succeed in losing weight. Great thinking because the real reason for obesity in this country is nothing to do with the rise of convenience food, the appalling way the public are treated by the food industry and the rise of the TV and playstation generation. But it turns out it’s just the lack of a financial incentive.

Other measures being proposed include so-called lunchbox police (which sounds like a dodgy chippendales tribute act) to check if children have been given a healthy lunch. Seems dumb to me, I know when I was at school the easy way to tell if kids have a healthy lunch is if they throw it away and go buy chocolate instead at the nearest newsagents.

They’re also suggesting kids have compulsory cookery lessons. They’ll only be able to make dough and instant mash of course because of the ban on knives in schools. And advising that schools give kids at least five hours of sport every week, which is actually more than the England football squad do.

Crime

A lot of coverage today of statements from Natasha Steel. In case you’re wondering who that is – she’s been listed almost everywhere as Natasha Hogan because it seems only natural for the papers to assume that she would want to keep the name of her ex husband after he murdered her son and had his defence team try to tell her it was her fault. She’s got bigger things to be upset about at the moment though as her ex-husband has been essentially let off after throwing both of her children off a 50ft balcony. John Hogan’s lawyers described him as “the best Dad [his son] could have had”, which just doesn’t ring true for me. I’ve never been in a branch of Clinton Cards and seen a mug that read “World’s best Dad, hey thanks for throwing me off a balcony to my death.”.

Fashion

The burlesque artist Dita Von Teese has been announced as the new Wonderbra model. Amazing how much coverage this issue need really...

Personally I find the woman who essentially takes her kit off for money and then claims it’s somehow liberating to take slightly less of your clothes off in a middle class cocktail lounge, extremely annoying. At least the women who work at Spearmint Rhino can legitimately claim they need the money and don’t have any choice. She legitimises an industry that’s exploiting women all over the world.

Also I’ve never seen her in a bra, she’s forever showing us all how she doesn’t really need one. Is the new range going to include nipple tassles?

And remember wonderbra’s are basically padded bras. They’re designed to make boobs look bigger – so here’s the message from Wonderbra – are you the most successful stripper in England? Sorry still not good enough, you need a padded bra.

Jan 22nd

Finance

George Bush has announced a financial rescue package to prevent the Us from tipping into a recession. As usual the thrust of the plan is to stop taxing rich people. Financial markets around the world reacted going “Aaah, Bush has noticed the economy and is doing something, sell! Sell! Sell!”

Interviewed about the crashing markets one trader said “Getting drunk won’t help because there’ll be more of the same tomorrow”, ironically highlighting how those working on minimum wage for the companies he trades feel.

Crime

And the case of John Hogan. This is the father who threw his young son off a hotel balcony before jumping off himself with his daughter– the son died, Hogan and his daughter survived. Yesterday the defence told the court that the murder of the young boy was – wait for it – his mother’s fault. Apparently poor innocent Mr Hogan was suffering psychosis and schitzophrenia and thought he was “taking them to heaven”. Meanwhile his wife “shouldn’t have told him she was leaving him” and caused the incident due to her lack of “emotional intelligence”.

Now firstly he thought he was “taking them to heaven” – can that mean anything other than “deliberately killing them”. Secondly I think packing up and leaving a guy like this shows a great deal of emotional intelligence.

The defence also accused her of insulting the accused’s family. Apparently she called them a “family of death” just because both his brothers have committed suicide, one of them after burning down his family home.

Just when you would think it was about time to leave the poor bereaved woman alone they accused her of sending “flirty” emails to an old school friend. Right, when did logging on to friends reunited constitute incitement to murder?

Health

A doctor who joked about putting leeches on a patients genitals is due to face a fitness-to-practice panel at the GMC. Now I’ve been working as a comic for about four years now and I’ll be honest I still never heard that joke. Doctor doctor, I’m here for my check-up. I’ll put some leeches on your genitals then. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were putting leeches on their genitals. It is also alleged that he formed an inappropriate emotional bond with the patient. Yeah cos girls love a guy who jokes about putting leeches on their genitals. Have we entered some sort of wormhole here and ended up in a weird parrallel universe?

Entertainment

And the BBC reports Amy Winehouse has taken some crack. Of course she’s taken some crack – look at her!

Environment

Finally the environment and I’ve been told by a couple of listeners that I should do something about the floods, so I’ve got a jiffy cloth and I’m off to Yorkshire. Well before I go I’ll just tell you a little bit about the extreme weather. The Daily Express had about five pages on the subject and magically managed not to mention climate change once. As well as the floods, some areas had snow storms – a student in Newcastle commented “way-aye, as terrible, i’ve ‘ad to put a pair of socks on with me mini skirt and boob tube”.