Feb 25th

Wales

An inquest is being held into the death of a man who collapsed during a fairy-cake-eating competition at a nightclub in Swansea. Reporters asked officers from the local constabulary if they had found any clues. They replied “hundreds and thousands”.

Education

In a survey 71% of school children admitted being bullies. Which does mean competition has hotted up in the search for suitable victims. A few years ago you had to be ginger, dressed in ADSA clothing and have a lisp to expect to have to trade in your lunch money to avoid a kicking. Now even a hole in your jumper or a lack of a comprehensive knowledge of text slang is enough to see you begging not to be given a wedgie. The news, though worrying for pupils and parents alike has been hailed as excellent news by captains of industry who have seen middle management ranks depleted over recent years.

Travel

Motorists will be targeted by a new generation of road cameras which work out how many people are in a car by measuring the amount of bodily fluid it contains. The rather sinister idea uses cameras which work by sending an infrared beam through the windscreen of vehicles which detects the unique make-up of blood and water content in human skin.

The idea is to catch out lone motorists who use car-sharing lanes and try to fool existing CCTV road cameras by placing mannequins in passenger seats or fixing photographs to windscreens.

The technology, originally developed by evil vampire armies, means that while the mannequin-photo strategies will no longer work, you can still use the car-sharing lanes if you have a corpse in the boot.

Iraq

A suicide bomber in a wheelchair killed a top policeman and wounded four others in an attack on the police operations centre in the Iraqi city of Samarra today. You know your security is lax when a dude in a wheelchair slips through.

Health

A care worker has lost her job over claims she used her mobile phone to film two old ladies fighting in a nursing home. Bolton council bosses have confirmed a full investigation has been launched and the carer is no longer employed at the home.

Now, as a legal precedent, what does this mean? Companies using CCTV seem to be allowed to film just about anything, as do the government and the police, but individuals who film stuff will get in trouble?

I can just see it now, Al Qaeda demanding punishment for all the people who filmed the airplanes flying into the World Trade Center. Or more likely it’s just the care home covering their tracks after realising somebody might notice the appalling conditions they in which they keep their patients? Surely the investigation should be into the care home who let two elderly women end up fighting.

Finance

Nine senior American directors of top international companies are preparing to quit Britain over the controversial "non-dom" tax proposals, the Daily Mail reported. The directors work for companies including Bank of America, McDonald's, Ernst & Young, and Bear Stearns and earn well over a million pounds a year and don’t pay taxes on it. So frankly I think at very least we’d all feel better about ourselves if we didn’t have to share our public spaces and services with them.

The nine are all threatening to move back to America, where they would actually have to pay a lot more tax on their earnings than the proposed £30,000 rate being proposed.

The Mail claims: "They are going to sell their houses in Mayfair or Kensington and Chelsea , dumping them on the market at an already difficult time. Then they will take their business overseas. Well, if they actually own multi-million-pound houses in Mayfair or Kensington, they can afford to pay as much in taxes as a highly-qualified an experienced hard-working UK-based professional who earns £90,000 a year. And anyway a drop in the housing market would be great news for all the young families finding it hard to get on to the property ladder.

The Mail adds, "Competing cities such as New York , Geneva ... and Frankfurt , would welcome these wealthy non-dom businessmen with open arms." That’s because New York , Geneva and Frankfurt would love to tax them.

You would think anyway given their usual coverage that the Daily Mail would be in favour of foreigners leaving British soil. Or could it be that the owners of the Daily Mail are all non-dom tax-dodgers...? You decide...

Feb 21st

Sex

A group of Italian scientists are researching the G-spot and the female orgasm. This already begs a few questions about the way these scientists are funded. It would have to be Italy wouldn’t it where some bright spark wanders into the higher education funding bureau and says “I want to study female orgasms and I’m going to need a lot of money”. Mmmm. Anyway they have “discovered” that in those women who have vaginal orgasms there is an area of the vagina where the tissue is thicker. This they claim is proof that the G spot exists and can be scientifically located. I have an alternative theory. I think those women who experience vaginal orgasms spend rather more time rubbing their vaginas and maybe that thickens up the bit of the vagina that they rub the most. Call me Einstein but I’d be prepared to bet good money that the thicker bit of the vagina is, ooh, about a finger-distance in.

The Doctor behind the research believes it will lead to the development of (and I quote) “a simple, rapid and inexpensive method [to determine] if a woman has a G spot or not”. I can think of another simple, rapid, inexpensive way to find out if you’ve got one girls – give the damn thing a good rub and see what goes off.

Health

Another piece of BBC non-news. Turns out that what babies are fed for the first few weeks of their life can affect the way their brain develops. Really? So let me guess, feeding babies mostly gravel and amphetamines would be bad for them?

Technology

Steven Schkolne, an IT Professional from LA has invented a new sport called “speedcabling” in which competitors race to untangle a mesh of electronic cables, such as those found underneath many multi-appliance office desks. The first competition winner Matthew Howell said his technique was like going down rabbit holes and that (and I quote) “[you have to] really call on the element of air”.

In response David and I here at the podcast have invented our own new sport. It’s called “work out which one of those two is the biggest nutter”.

In fairness you have to give some credit to Schkolne who obviously realised his desk was a tip and rather than clear it up managed to convince a bunch of people that it was a sport. If any listeners want to take up competitive doing-Kate’s-ironing or cleaning-Kate’s-kitchen they should get in touch.

Immigration

Home secretary Jacqui Smith has unveiled new plans to make many migrants to the UK complete a probationary citizenship phase. During this period they are expected to prove they have blended in to British society by collecting two ASBOs, having a fight in a car park over a spilt pint and eating until they are medically classified as obese. Language tests seem set to be introduced and here again the pass mark is easy to define, when asked if they’ve taken any language lessons the true Briton will take offence and angrily demand “are you calling me gay?”. Then they’ll be welcomed into the country with open arms and offered a job with the Conservative party.

Politics

In Northern Ireland the Rev Ian Paisley is expected to resign shortly from his role as first minister and retire. The thing is Ian Paisley is quite a scary bloke, especially in terms of that frightening accent he has. I pity the local pensioners club who will soon be greeted with [Paisley’s voice] “I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY CARPET BOWLS. DO YOU HAVE THE FACILITIES FOR THAT”. I think sales of colostomy bags to Northern Irish hospitals could be about to sky-rocket.

Feb 19th

Health

And the BBC reports that psoriasis care around the UK is inconsistent. They interviewed a number of doctors and patients all of whom were trying really very hard not to describe the quality of care in the UK as patchy or flaky. The report is actually pretty gruesome with claims that even basic things like bathing and showering facilities were insufficient, patients are having to apply potentially dangerous creams and lotions themselves and counselling is unavailable to many who want it, including those feeling suicidal. The government responded saying it was up to primary care trusts to choose local priorities for improving services. True enough, but it was the government who established the primary care trusts, assuring us at the time that treatment wouldn’t be affected. It’s kind of like if you’re supposed to be running a kitchen and someone asks why the dishes aren’t washed and you respond with “it’s up to junior members of kitchen staff to prioritise cleaning duties in their own areas”. You’d get fired, of course but then that’s an important job, running a kitchen, not a trivial one like running the country’s health.

Intl News

Fidel Castro has stepped down as Cuban leader. The move prompted both Gordon Brown and George Bush to announce their hope that this would lead to democracy in Cuba, and that Cuba may sometime soon have a popular leader elected fairly by the people. Unlike the US and the UK. In case the Cuban people are still failing to see the benefits of a western democracy Bush has erected a small theme-park-style attraction in Cuba where the spoils of capitalism and democracy can be seen. It’s called Guantanamo Bay.

Crime

Mark Dixie, the man accused of murdering Sally-Anne Bowman really needs to think a bit more before he stands up in court and says things. Remember the story so far – his DNA is all over Sally-Anne’s body. He claims he didn’t kill her but he did have sex with her corpse as he was wandering home. Giving evidence yesterday he explained, so we wouldn’t all be totally horrified by his claims. He now says he didn’t realise she was dead until after he’d had sex with her. You really know your sexual technique isn’t up to much when you only realise afterwards that the person you’re shagging is dead.

Terrorism

The government’s counter terrorism watchdog has suggested that control orders – placing suspects under virtual house arrest should last no longer than two years and instead suspects should be given ASBOs. Now I’m not a fan of the ASBO, much as I dislike seeing behooded youths spitting, swearing and congregating in underground car parks kick cans about, I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that legislation solves and nor do I think that it’s a policy that stands any chance of being fairly implemented. The problem with ASBOs for terrorists however is isn’t it stretching it a bit to describe blowing up innocent people as "anti-social"?

Feb 14th

International News

MPs have expressed concern about the “tone and timing” of comments from Afghan president Hamid Karzai. Yes, the “tone and timing”. That’s the kind of thing you say when you know you’ve lost an argument. “It’s not what you said, it’s that voice you said it in and why did you have to say it now when you know I’m having a bad day?”. Apparently they thought the appropriate timing would be “When we’re not in power any more” and the appropriate tone would be “below the audible decibel range of the human ear”.

What Karzai said was that having British troops in Afghanistan was only making things worse. Now you know you fucked up when you invade a country, stick in a puppet leader of your own choosing and then he turns round and tells you to fuck off. If the British prescence in Afghanistan isn’t helping the Afghanis, why are we there? Is it helping us in some way? Do our brave boys and girls in uniform like getting shot at?

Crime

Five Muslim men have had their convictions quashed after they were convicted of reading extremist literature. The defence have argued that reading a book does not constitute intending to act on the information in it. Otherwise there’d be several million people commuting to work on broomsticks now and Man Utd would be playing quidditch.

Health

A study for the Journal of Clinical Nursing suggests that post-natal depression is much more common in mothers who have male children. The study was carried out in France however and a UK-based analyst said the data could be affected by cultural issues in male-female relationships as well as the fact that delivery is more painful when the infant comes out with its hands in the air waving a white flag.

Science

A group of US-based scientists have developed brush-like fibres that generate electrical energy from movement. They hope that these can be incorporated into clothing that powers the wearer’s electronic devices. I’m looking forward to the day when we’ll see people at bus stops shouting into their mobile phone “I’M LOSING THE SIGNAL, I’LL HAVE TO DANCE”.

Space

The government is to launch a formal review into whether British astronauts should take part in the international exploration of space. What the hell are British astronauts doing now? Drinking tea and eating biscuits while the review is done. What’s the point of astronauts if they’re not going into space? They should be re-named staff-room-o-nauts. If they are going to send British citizens into space however I do think it should be done with a reality TV show “I’m a really annoying quasi-celebrity, get me off this planet” and a follow-up show “What not to wear in space where we vote whether or not to give them helmets”.

Crime (again)

Detective Superintendent Steve Richardson, who has led a series of drugs raids across London has said that the seizing of 111kg of cocaine was a “huge success”. He also said he was the supreme overlord of the universe. Then he sniffed a bit and said he was going to become a rock star.

500 police officers were involved in the raids, which means actually they’re only getting about 200g each. They would have taken more cocaine off the streets if they’d just given them all an early Christmas bonus and told them to take the night off and enjoy themselves. In one of the raids a JCB digger was used to smash through a wall. So the police deliberately drove a huge piece of industrial equipment in to a wall and then started telling other people not to have such a reckless lifestyle.

Travel

BAA has begun a six-month trial of a new baggage tracking system. They’re trialling a never-before-tested idea where they actually put the bags that belong to you on the plane that you’re on. No, they’re going to use radio frequency identification tags. They hope this could “significantly improve efficiency” by letting passengers find out online which land-fill their baggage has been dumped in.

Feb 1st

International news

Abu Laith Al-Libi, a senior al-Qaeda leader has been killed in Afghanistan after a US missile strike in the North Waziristan area. Now I don’t wish to sound cynical but – I AM. I’ve never heard of this guy, I didn’t know we were looking for him. Really sounds to me like it could just be that there hasn’t been much “good” war news for a while so the next time the army kills a couple of local peasants they get a call “Hey, guys, yeah we need some good news. Just make up a name and a location and make sure it’s got some Als at the beginning and a Stan at the end and we’ll get it out in the press and pretend it matters.” OK boss so Al-Ronaldo Mac Al-Donaldo has been killed following serious fighting in the Cheese-On-Toast-istan area”. Incidentally can you tell I’m hungry writing this...

In a vain attempt to make us think we might have heard of him, they explain “He has appeared in a number of al-Qaeda videos” which is like saying “we’ve shot the dark-haired ugly one on the right in the Boyzone videos” – NOOOO! Shoot Ronan, go for Ronan!

Now they’re saying this dude is in the top half-dozen figures in al-Qaeda that we’re looking for. So I think they should publish a big list of the others, maybe in a big Blue-Peter-style patronising graphic. Like a big test tube which gradually fills up with terrorist blood every time we kill one.

Of course the graphic we really need is a big see-saw showing how many jihadi terrorists we’ve killed versus how many we’ve created with the blindly aggressive shoot-em-up we have the misfortune to call our foreign policy.

Health

And the UK is experiencing a surge in cases of gout. Add this to the recent reports of rising syphilis levels and seems like everybody’s got an 18^th century illness. I might develop consumption just to join in.

Experts blame the rise on an increase in the amount of sugary soft drinks being consumed. That’s the gout rise, the syphilis rise is probably more closely correlated with the consumption of sugary alcoholic drinks.

Nature

A bizarre new mammal has been discovered in Tanzania. The creature, a type of elephant shrew is described as having a long flexible snout and a bulky body with spindly legs. So it could be the bastard love child of Barry Manilowe and Vanessa Feltz. OK, sorry, didn’t mean to put anyone off their lunch!

Arts

A judge in Rio has banned a carnival float which was to have depicted holocaust victims and a Hitler figure. The story has echoes of Britain in 2003 when Felixstowe carnival was forced to apologise for it’s Fred West theme float, sponsored by Wilson and Son Patio Tilers.

History

A Chinese shopping list thought to be 300 years old has been found in a vase in a York stately home. Archaeologists are now studying the list to see what it can teach us about life in the 18^th century far east. One day our shopping lists could be discovered and analysed the same way so lets all plan to put one weird item on each shopping list we write just to confuse archaeologists of the future. Milk, eggs, pasta, giraffe dildo, muesli. Obviously don’t leave that list out for your Mum to get for you when she goes to the shops ... it could backfire.

Science

A DNA survey has revealed that everyone alive today with blue eyes is descended from a single common ancestor. Which means I’m related to Cameron Diaz, Angelina Jolie and Uma Thurman, shame none of them inherited the rest of my good looks.

Papers

The Daily Mail has a rather confusing front page caption “And the award for best prime minister goes to...” underneath a photo of David Cameron, who has never been prime minister and Margaret Thatcher, the worst prime minister ever. In fact Mrs Thatcher was being given a lifetime achievement award sponsored by investment bank Morgan Stanley who we all know are the people with the interests of the British public most closely at heart. Cameron took the opportunity to describe Mrs Thatcher as “one of the greatest prime ministers of all time”, saying she had rescued people from “despair”. That would be the despair of having a job, the despair of the protection of trade union membership over pay and conditions and the despair of not being at war.

Crime

South Wales police are to adopt American-style phone answering methods in an effort to speed up dealing with 999 calls. In the past they’ve been too polite to ask what the problem is and have had to spend the first five minutes making small talk about the weather. “Lovely day to be out getting mugged isn’t it...” They hope the measures will have the added effect of reducing calls from non-emergencies. Recent – genuine – 999 calls have included people asking for help retrieving £1 deposit from a supermarket trolley and asking whether it’s safe to leave a chicken in the oven overnight.

Lets hope though that the American style of policing doesn’t spread across all aspects of the service in Wales, how scary would this be: [welsh accent] “Up against the wall and assume the position, you cocksucker”

Statistics

15% of pupils in a survey said Winston Churchill worked in insurance. Their teachers responded (all together now) Oh no, no, no, no, no...

Jan 31st

[Sorry - no podcast yesterday - I was working in Taunton Tues night and got back very late, some of yesterdays stories featured today though!]

Health

Statistics released by the Office for National Statistics say that the number of children being born to immigrant mothers has risen sharply over recent years. Really? And this comes as a surprise? Turns out some Polish people have noticed the differential between the rates of pay in their own country and the UK, plus the fact that it’s totally legal to move to the UK and actually come over. Worse still, shock horror, some of them fuck.

What are the shock-horror headlines suggesting? A ban on shagging migrants? Two sets of maternity wards – nice ones for the mothers who can prove Anglo-Saxon or Celtic descent and then cattle sheds for anyone with a bit of an accent? And of course the focus is all on foreign-born mothers, no-one bothers to mention that a fair few of these babies probably have British fathers.

Meanwhile the aghast journalists tell us, British women are having less babies. Yes, we all know how badly the NHS’s standards are falling and we don’t want to do that. Bearing in mind that there’s another story out today that a drug addicted mother has had 14 of her children taken away from her by social services. Could it be that Britain is generating the WRONG KIND OF BABIES! And we’re still forgetting that women don’t just get pregnant on their own.

Maybe the solution is to target men. Posters in gent’s toilets: Don’t be a shit, only shag a brit. Don’t be like these mugs – say “no” to girls on drugs.

Science

A group of medical researchers believe they may have found a way to reverse memory loss in patients. The process involving deep brain tissue stimulation was originally being trialled as a means to combat obesity. However the process backfired when the patient suddenly remembered how much he liked chips.

Crime

Maxine Carr, the accomplice to the Soham murders is to marry and is rumoured to be pregnant. The news revealed in the Daily Mail doesn’t say very much for the effectiveness of the police efforts to change her identity and allow her to live in obscurity. I hate the Mail. Here’s their actual comment on the story “The news will devastate the parents of Huntley's ten-year-old victims, Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman.” But the parents of Wells and Chapman wouldn’t know about the news if it wasn’t all over the Daily Mail.

Papers

My other favourite paper The Daily Express leads today with “council tax up to pay fatcats £50,000 a year”, claiming that 30,000 people working in town halls across the country now earn more than £50,000 a year. Now given that there are 45,000 towns in the UK, that’s not even one well-paid councillor each, but of course the Express glosses over that to describe these people as “faceless bureaucrats. So presumably half the money is disability allowances to help them cope with having no faces.

Finance

The US central bank is desperately trying to ward off a recession, cutting interest rate by a further half a percent. They also called up George Bush and pleased with him not to do anything or say anything. At all. Ever.

International News

An Afghan journalist has been sentenced to death for reading an article about women’s right. Boy I’m glad we invaded Afghanistan and threw out those evil Taleban eh? They must be really grateful to us for bringing them freedom, human rights and democracy. The Independent coverage of the story featured a picture of a woman in a burqa with the caption “The burqa is seen by many as a sign of female subjugation” which is a bit like saying “shooting people in the head is seen by many as a sign of violence”.

Travel

A transatlantic flight has to make an unscheduled landing after one of the pilots started behaving strangely, shouting, swearing and asking for God. A lot of religious groups are allowed to overlook employment discrimination laws. They keep gay people and women and so on out of positions of power in their communities because they still live by rules invented a couple of millennia ago. Well now I want a special airline for atheists, where all the pilots don’t believe in an afterlife.

Jan 28th

Topicals Jan 28^th

News in brief

An exhibition looking at the history of underwear has opened at a Black Country museum. Items on display include the actual pants worn by Tony Blair during his 1998 appearance on Newsnight with Jeremy Paxman. The curator of the exhibition said “You can’t talk about clothes without talking about underwear” Which sounds like she’s got a weird for of tourettes “I got a new scarf for Christmas. Bra! Knickers! Pants! She added “I hope young people will come and see exactly what their mothers and grandmothers wore back in the day”, which might have the added benefit of reducing underage pregnancy in the area. “Your grandmother would have worn these suspenders...”, “Erm, maybe not tonight...”

Education

MacDonalds is to launch it’s own nationally recognised A-level-type qualification. Repeat after me class “Vous Voulez des fries avec votre BigMac?”. Anyway this disproves the myth that all kids can do after a UK state education is work at MacDonalds. No – they can’t even do that.

Last year they complained about the dictionary definition of McJob, saying that defining it as “an unstimulating low-paid job with few prospects” was insulting and out of date. They also asked to change the definition of “insulting” to “accurate” and “out of date” to “still true”.

Animal Welfare

Now I’m not a big campaigner for animal rights, but there was one BBC headline that struck me as needlessly cruel today. “Five legged cat to lose two paws”. So the poor thing is going from one leg too many to one too few. Couldn’t they just give it a couple of weeks with the right number of legs in the middle there? In fact the two legs to be removed are deformed. Vets say this is the result of inbreeding – incidentally the same factors explain why prince Philip is only able to speak out of his arse.

Crime

A man has been jailed for six years after admitting to blackmailing Tescos. Philip McHugh demanded £1m from the supermarket last year. I just don’t understand HOW you can blackmail Tescos. Has he got photos of it in bed with Asda? He actually made bomb threats to more than ten different branches of the store. The effect on local people was noticeable – they looked healthier and fitter and reported having less heart attacks.

Health

A report out today says that while junk-food eating children are more likely to misbehave in class when a teacher is present, once the teacher leaves it is those children eating a healthy diet the so-called banana louts - who are more likely to be naughty. Possibly because they can give the junk food eating kids a really good kicking.

Immigration

Mills and Boon have started publishing in the UK in Polish. The new novels are much better written than the originals and available at half the price.

International News

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has called on other regional countries to join him in forming a military alliance against the US. It’s amazing Chavez can walk around so easily with balls that big. He’s like “hey you, you with the massive nuclear arsenal, go fuck yourself”.

And finally

A South Korean singer has offered to prove on live TV that he hasn’t been castrated by a Japanese gangster. I don’t think I need to write a punchline do I?

Jan 24th

Politics

An estimated 22,500 police joined a march in central London to protest over pay. Well initially only six showed up so they smashed a window, and another 20 arrived, then they started a riot and another 2,000 arrived. Finally a Brazilian guy in a puffa jacket shouted “Allah Akbar” and that brought every other met officer.

Imagine though being a petty criminal near Westminster yesterday? Like you’ve just nicked a £2 blouse out of Primark and you sprint round the corner to see 22,500 police officers marching your way.

Transport

A man who leads his girlfriend round with a dog collar has been prevented from boarding a bus in West Yorkshire. Dani Graves and his slave, sorry fiancé, are claiming discrimination, The bus company says the lead is a threat to passenger safety, which is bad news for anyone on the bus when the trainers from the local pit bull centre decide to take Rex out to the park.

The woman Tasha Maltby said the lead was her idea and previous boyfriends had called her a “weirdo” for suggesting it. And that’s news?! Try it now – go ask your partner if they wouldn’t mind leading you around on a dog lead. Then if they don’t call you a weirdo, call the press, and the police.

Asked about their relationship Mr Graves said “She’s kindof like a pet. I do everything for her. You wouldn’t expect your cat or dog to do the washing up or cleaning round the house”. True but you would expect your pet to shit in a sand box in the kitchen.

Seriously though I’m actually with the couple on this occasion, if they’re both genuinely consenting to the arrangement, what is it to us. The press seem obsessed with describing them as Goths and saying that they dress in black and all that. If having something round your neck was dangerous on buses then businessmen would have to take their ties off before boarding.

Health

Scientists say they are close to finding a way of transplanting a kidney without the need for drugs. Cos normally they’d want at least a dab of nose-candy before attempting a tricky procedure like that.

Environment

A new ship has been unveiled which is partly powered by a giant kite. If successful the owners of the MS Beluga SkySails plan to launch a sister fleet powered by yo-yos, diabolos and buzz lightyear.

Health

Fat people could be paid to lose weight under new government plans to tackle obesity. So if you’re short of cash, get down to the nearest all-you-can-eat place and load up now. The plans will offer vouchers for healthy food followed by cash prizes for those who succeed in losing weight. Great thinking because the real reason for obesity in this country is nothing to do with the rise of convenience food, the appalling way the public are treated by the food industry and the rise of the TV and playstation generation. But it turns out it’s just the lack of a financial incentive.

Other measures being proposed include so-called lunchbox police (which sounds like a dodgy chippendales tribute act) to check if children have been given a healthy lunch. Seems dumb to me, I know when I was at school the easy way to tell if kids have a healthy lunch is if they throw it away and go buy chocolate instead at the nearest newsagents.

They’re also suggesting kids have compulsory cookery lessons. They’ll only be able to make dough and instant mash of course because of the ban on knives in schools. And advising that schools give kids at least five hours of sport every week, which is actually more than the England football squad do.

Crime

A lot of coverage today of statements from Natasha Steel. In case you’re wondering who that is – she’s been listed almost everywhere as Natasha Hogan because it seems only natural for the papers to assume that she would want to keep the name of her ex husband after he murdered her son and had his defence team try to tell her it was her fault. She’s got bigger things to be upset about at the moment though as her ex-husband has been essentially let off after throwing both of her children off a 50ft balcony. John Hogan’s lawyers described him as “the best Dad [his son] could have had”, which just doesn’t ring true for me. I’ve never been in a branch of Clinton Cards and seen a mug that read “World’s best Dad, hey thanks for throwing me off a balcony to my death.”.

Fashion

The burlesque artist Dita Von Teese has been announced as the new Wonderbra model. Amazing how much coverage this issue need really...

Personally I find the woman who essentially takes her kit off for money and then claims it’s somehow liberating to take slightly less of your clothes off in a middle class cocktail lounge, extremely annoying. At least the women who work at Spearmint Rhino can legitimately claim they need the money and don’t have any choice. She legitimises an industry that’s exploiting women all over the world.

Also I’ve never seen her in a bra, she’s forever showing us all how she doesn’t really need one. Is the new range going to include nipple tassles?

And remember wonderbra’s are basically padded bras. They’re designed to make boobs look bigger – so here’s the message from Wonderbra – are you the most successful stripper in England? Sorry still not good enough, you need a padded bra.

Jan 22nd

Finance

George Bush has announced a financial rescue package to prevent the Us from tipping into a recession. As usual the thrust of the plan is to stop taxing rich people. Financial markets around the world reacted going “Aaah, Bush has noticed the economy and is doing something, sell! Sell! Sell!”

Interviewed about the crashing markets one trader said “Getting drunk won’t help because there’ll be more of the same tomorrow”, ironically highlighting how those working on minimum wage for the companies he trades feel.

Crime

And the case of John Hogan. This is the father who threw his young son off a hotel balcony before jumping off himself with his daughter– the son died, Hogan and his daughter survived. Yesterday the defence told the court that the murder of the young boy was – wait for it – his mother’s fault. Apparently poor innocent Mr Hogan was suffering psychosis and schitzophrenia and thought he was “taking them to heaven”. Meanwhile his wife “shouldn’t have told him she was leaving him” and caused the incident due to her lack of “emotional intelligence”.

Now firstly he thought he was “taking them to heaven” – can that mean anything other than “deliberately killing them”. Secondly I think packing up and leaving a guy like this shows a great deal of emotional intelligence.

The defence also accused her of insulting the accused’s family. Apparently she called them a “family of death” just because both his brothers have committed suicide, one of them after burning down his family home.

Just when you would think it was about time to leave the poor bereaved woman alone they accused her of sending “flirty” emails to an old school friend. Right, when did logging on to friends reunited constitute incitement to murder?

Health

A doctor who joked about putting leeches on a patients genitals is due to face a fitness-to-practice panel at the GMC. Now I’ve been working as a comic for about four years now and I’ll be honest I still never heard that joke. Doctor doctor, I’m here for my check-up. I’ll put some leeches on your genitals then. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were putting leeches on their genitals. It is also alleged that he formed an inappropriate emotional bond with the patient. Yeah cos girls love a guy who jokes about putting leeches on their genitals. Have we entered some sort of wormhole here and ended up in a weird parrallel universe?

Entertainment

And the BBC reports Amy Winehouse has taken some crack. Of course she’s taken some crack – look at her!

Environment

Finally the environment and I’ve been told by a couple of listeners that I should do something about the floods, so I’ve got a jiffy cloth and I’m off to Yorkshire. Well before I go I’ll just tell you a little bit about the extreme weather. The Daily Express had about five pages on the subject and magically managed not to mention climate change once. As well as the floods, some areas had snow storms – a student in Newcastle commented “way-aye, as terrible, i’ve ‘ad to put a pair of socks on with me mini skirt and boob tube”.