Feb 21st

Sex

A group of Italian scientists are researching the G-spot and the female orgasm. This already begs a few questions about the way these scientists are funded. It would have to be Italy wouldn’t it where some bright spark wanders into the higher education funding bureau and says “I want to study female orgasms and I’m going to need a lot of money”. Mmmm. Anyway they have “discovered” that in those women who have vaginal orgasms there is an area of the vagina where the tissue is thicker. This they claim is proof that the G spot exists and can be scientifically located. I have an alternative theory. I think those women who experience vaginal orgasms spend rather more time rubbing their vaginas and maybe that thickens up the bit of the vagina that they rub the most. Call me Einstein but I’d be prepared to bet good money that the thicker bit of the vagina is, ooh, about a finger-distance in.

The Doctor behind the research believes it will lead to the development of (and I quote) “a simple, rapid and inexpensive method [to determine] if a woman has a G spot or not”. I can think of another simple, rapid, inexpensive way to find out if you’ve got one girls – give the damn thing a good rub and see what goes off.

Health

Another piece of BBC non-news. Turns out that what babies are fed for the first few weeks of their life can affect the way their brain develops. Really? So let me guess, feeding babies mostly gravel and amphetamines would be bad for them?

Technology

Steven Schkolne, an IT Professional from LA has invented a new sport called “speedcabling” in which competitors race to untangle a mesh of electronic cables, such as those found underneath many multi-appliance office desks. The first competition winner Matthew Howell said his technique was like going down rabbit holes and that (and I quote) “[you have to] really call on the element of air”.

In response David and I here at the podcast have invented our own new sport. It’s called “work out which one of those two is the biggest nutter”.

In fairness you have to give some credit to Schkolne who obviously realised his desk was a tip and rather than clear it up managed to convince a bunch of people that it was a sport. If any listeners want to take up competitive doing-Kate’s-ironing or cleaning-Kate’s-kitchen they should get in touch.

Immigration

Home secretary Jacqui Smith has unveiled new plans to make many migrants to the UK complete a probationary citizenship phase. During this period they are expected to prove they have blended in to British society by collecting two ASBOs, having a fight in a car park over a spilt pint and eating until they are medically classified as obese. Language tests seem set to be introduced and here again the pass mark is easy to define, when asked if they’ve taken any language lessons the true Briton will take offence and angrily demand “are you calling me gay?”. Then they’ll be welcomed into the country with open arms and offered a job with the Conservative party.

Politics

In Northern Ireland the Rev Ian Paisley is expected to resign shortly from his role as first minister and retire. The thing is Ian Paisley is quite a scary bloke, especially in terms of that frightening accent he has. I pity the local pensioners club who will soon be greeted with [Paisley’s voice] “I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY CARPET BOWLS. DO YOU HAVE THE FACILITIES FOR THAT”. I think sales of colostomy bags to Northern Irish hospitals could be about to sky-rocket.

Feb 8th

Religion

The Archbishop of Canterbury has come under fire after offering his support for some aspects of Sharia law in Britain. He said we needed to face up to the fact that some citizens do not relate to the British legal system. I thought those people were called criminals, ho hum. Trevor Philips from the equality and Human Rights commission said the “implication that British courts should treat people differently based on their faith is divisive and dangerous” although it would probably do wonders for attendance at my newly-founded Church of no Speeding Fines.

US

And Mitt Romney has withdrawn from the race for the republican presidential nomination. He said “In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror” which confuses me not only because the US declared victory in Iraq several years ago but also because how exactly would you surrender to terror? Go home and watch horror movies? He went on to claim that a Democrat president “would retreat [from Iraq] and declare defeat” whereas a republican would stay in there until they’d been properly defeated, and still claim victory.

Science

A report from Iceland says people who marry a distant relative have more children. They suggest the results of the survey may be due to genetic compatibility. Alternatively it could reflect the cost savings of having less in-laws to visit around Christmas.

Politics

Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem leader has said the UK over-uses medication to treat mental illness. He highlighted members of his own party who have battled their demons using nothing more than litres of neat whiskey and legions of rent boys. The results of a survey by the Lib Dems found some patients waiting up to two years for counselling. Which is a bit like [timid] “Hello is that the Samaritans” [formal] “Your call is important to us here at the Samaritans and has been placed in a queue for the next available operator. There are currently 9,475,286 people in this queue. Please continue to hold the line.”

Media

A poster published by the Christian Congress for Traditional Values has been attacked by the Advertising Standards Authority for using the slogan “Gay aim: abolish the family”. The ASA say the advert is “likely to offend gay people” but isn’t the issue more that it’s likely to make people think the group are from another planet? I’m really tempted to write to them and ask if they can send me the rest of the “gay manifesto”. I went and looked at their website and it turns out their other main campaign issue is telling people not to worry about global warming. Remind me to go back tomorrow and do a search for their policy on abortion. It’s bound to make great reading...

Royals

Robert Brown, the Jersey accountant who believes he is the illegitimate love child of Princess Margaret has won the right to put his case over access to royal wills. He says he realised he was related to the royal family in his early twenties when he lost the ability to talk without spitting and had to be fed from a nosebag.

Royals again

And if you heard the exclamation “Oh my God I can't believe these naans are so big. I've never seen anything like it” you’d be mistaken for thinking Wayne Rooney had walked into a roly-poly theme-brothel but in fact Prince William said it when he visited a curry house in York this week. The restaurant owner said he was proud to have served the prince. The off licensee next door was just as proud to have sold him a case of lager and a straw and a local resident said it was an honour and a privilege to have the young prince puke on his dog on the way home.

Feb 6th

Politics

A police reform report due out this week claims time and money wasted on red tape could put 3,000 more officers on the streets. A follow-up report is expected to explain that a further 50 could be on the beat if they stopped spending money on police reform reports. The author of the report Sir Ronnie Flanagan has spent a year compiling the report, a year he could have spent like Bob Geldof organising a big charity rock concert. The government is expected to face harsh questioning on why Live Aid 9 never happened.

The main culprit in the alleged overspend is the forms officers have to fill in when they perform a stop and search. These forms were brought in to monitor whether ethnic minorities were being unfairly targeted. So all that money being wasted making sure the police aren’t racist. What a waste eh? Let’s just assume they’re not and save all that money...

Crime

And in response to Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s claims that she didn’t feel safe walking the streets at night a group of four Labour MPS went for an after-hours wander around Hackney, right near where I live. This was notable among local residents as the first time people had ever wished there was more gun and knife crime in their area.

Intl News

Osama bin Laden's son, Omar, and his British wife are in Rome in an effort to meet with the Pope on their self-proclaimed mission to promote world peace. Was the pope ever likely to go to war? Are they worried about a reprise of the 1527 sack of Rome by the Swiss Guards? How ironic that after your Dad’s army flies planes into the World Trade Centre you should be advising a group of guys dressed as court jesters to “put down those halberds”.

Celebrities

Glamour model Jordan has spoken out to warn other women about the dangers plastic surgery. This is significant a break from the past where just looking at her warned women about the dangers of plastic surgery. She is unhappy with her recent boob reduction surgery because, and this is a direct quote: "When I saw my boobs I was disappointed because they looked big … But I still want people to think I've got big boobs." The surgeon’s failure may well be down to his insistence on using a scalpel rather than an improbability drive.

And finally in Wales

A brass band that won an award contains five married couples. I don’t know why this is news, unless of course they’re a six-piece band. Maybe they just kept giving each other the horn...

Jan 29th

Politcs

A senior Tory MP has been forced to apologise after paying £45,000 expenses to his son. Derek Conway listed his son Henry as his “parliamentary assistant” while the boy was in fact away studying at university. The fraud came to light when investigators noticed that conservative party policies were completely rubbish and anyone who had watched a few episodes of Montel Williams could have done a lot better.

International news

Israel has apologised for banning the beatles when they planned to visit the country in 1965. Many beatles classics as we now know them in fact contain lyric changes instigated by the band after the Israeli ban. Few now remember the classics: Baby You Can Drive My Car, But Get Out Quickly, I Wanna Bomb Your Settlement and With A Little Help From My Wahabist Sympathisers.

Entertainment

Russell Brand peed in to a cup during his weekly radio show. The move was seen as vital since otherwise his penis would have missed a whole week of news coverage.

Crime

A major trial is being launched to see whether nutritional supplements reduce anti-social behaviour in prisons. This comes after a smaller recent study seemed to imply a link, it is not yet clear however whether the nutrients made the prisoners calmer or whether they simply used up all their anger and aggression punching the picture of Gillian McKeith on the boxes.

They say the problem is not prison food which is highly nutritious, especially with all the spunk from the sex offenders working in the kitchen, but in fact the problem lies with prisoners making poor choices. Presumably starting with the choice they made to borrow all that jewellery without permission from the shops and go on holiday right after completely forgetting about the heroin-filled condom mid after-noon snack they’d had the day before...

Terrorism

Four men have pleaded guilty to offences linked to a plot to kidnap and murder a Muslim member of the British armed forces. Ringleader Parviz Khan said he intended to behead his victim “like a pig”. Except of course Muslim’s don’t eat pork so don’t kill pigs.

Religion

Pope Benedict has made a speech to academics at the Vatican warning them against the “seductive” powers of science. Oh good. He said “No science can say who man is, where he comes from or where he is going”. To which any half-decent scientific academic would reply “Close relative of the chimp, East Africa and nowhere very interesting if we don’t get global warming sorted out soon.”

Benedict then told the conference “Man is not the fruit of chance or a bundle of convergences, determinisms or physical and chemical reactions ... what’s that? Or, sorry, news just in, man IS the fruit of chance, a bundle of convergences, determinism and physical and chemical reactions.”