Feb 21st

Sex

A group of Italian scientists are researching the G-spot and the female orgasm. This already begs a few questions about the way these scientists are funded. It would have to be Italy wouldn’t it where some bright spark wanders into the higher education funding bureau and says “I want to study female orgasms and I’m going to need a lot of money”. Mmmm. Anyway they have “discovered” that in those women who have vaginal orgasms there is an area of the vagina where the tissue is thicker. This they claim is proof that the G spot exists and can be scientifically located. I have an alternative theory. I think those women who experience vaginal orgasms spend rather more time rubbing their vaginas and maybe that thickens up the bit of the vagina that they rub the most. Call me Einstein but I’d be prepared to bet good money that the thicker bit of the vagina is, ooh, about a finger-distance in.

The Doctor behind the research believes it will lead to the development of (and I quote) “a simple, rapid and inexpensive method [to determine] if a woman has a G spot or not”. I can think of another simple, rapid, inexpensive way to find out if you’ve got one girls – give the damn thing a good rub and see what goes off.

Health

Another piece of BBC non-news. Turns out that what babies are fed for the first few weeks of their life can affect the way their brain develops. Really? So let me guess, feeding babies mostly gravel and amphetamines would be bad for them?

Technology

Steven Schkolne, an IT Professional from LA has invented a new sport called “speedcabling” in which competitors race to untangle a mesh of electronic cables, such as those found underneath many multi-appliance office desks. The first competition winner Matthew Howell said his technique was like going down rabbit holes and that (and I quote) “[you have to] really call on the element of air”.

In response David and I here at the podcast have invented our own new sport. It’s called “work out which one of those two is the biggest nutter”.

In fairness you have to give some credit to Schkolne who obviously realised his desk was a tip and rather than clear it up managed to convince a bunch of people that it was a sport. If any listeners want to take up competitive doing-Kate’s-ironing or cleaning-Kate’s-kitchen they should get in touch.

Immigration

Home secretary Jacqui Smith has unveiled new plans to make many migrants to the UK complete a probationary citizenship phase. During this period they are expected to prove they have blended in to British society by collecting two ASBOs, having a fight in a car park over a spilt pint and eating until they are medically classified as obese. Language tests seem set to be introduced and here again the pass mark is easy to define, when asked if they’ve taken any language lessons the true Briton will take offence and angrily demand “are you calling me gay?”. Then they’ll be welcomed into the country with open arms and offered a job with the Conservative party.

Politics

In Northern Ireland the Rev Ian Paisley is expected to resign shortly from his role as first minister and retire. The thing is Ian Paisley is quite a scary bloke, especially in terms of that frightening accent he has. I pity the local pensioners club who will soon be greeted with [Paisley’s voice] “I WOULD LIKE TO PLAY CARPET BOWLS. DO YOU HAVE THE FACILITIES FOR THAT”. I think sales of colostomy bags to Northern Irish hospitals could be about to sky-rocket.

Feb 19th

Health

And the BBC reports that psoriasis care around the UK is inconsistent. They interviewed a number of doctors and patients all of whom were trying really very hard not to describe the quality of care in the UK as patchy or flaky. The report is actually pretty gruesome with claims that even basic things like bathing and showering facilities were insufficient, patients are having to apply potentially dangerous creams and lotions themselves and counselling is unavailable to many who want it, including those feeling suicidal. The government responded saying it was up to primary care trusts to choose local priorities for improving services. True enough, but it was the government who established the primary care trusts, assuring us at the time that treatment wouldn’t be affected. It’s kind of like if you’re supposed to be running a kitchen and someone asks why the dishes aren’t washed and you respond with “it’s up to junior members of kitchen staff to prioritise cleaning duties in their own areas”. You’d get fired, of course but then that’s an important job, running a kitchen, not a trivial one like running the country’s health.

Intl News

Fidel Castro has stepped down as Cuban leader. The move prompted both Gordon Brown and George Bush to announce their hope that this would lead to democracy in Cuba, and that Cuba may sometime soon have a popular leader elected fairly by the people. Unlike the US and the UK. In case the Cuban people are still failing to see the benefits of a western democracy Bush has erected a small theme-park-style attraction in Cuba where the spoils of capitalism and democracy can be seen. It’s called Guantanamo Bay.

Crime

Mark Dixie, the man accused of murdering Sally-Anne Bowman really needs to think a bit more before he stands up in court and says things. Remember the story so far – his DNA is all over Sally-Anne’s body. He claims he didn’t kill her but he did have sex with her corpse as he was wandering home. Giving evidence yesterday he explained, so we wouldn’t all be totally horrified by his claims. He now says he didn’t realise she was dead until after he’d had sex with her. You really know your sexual technique isn’t up to much when you only realise afterwards that the person you’re shagging is dead.

Terrorism

The government’s counter terrorism watchdog has suggested that control orders – placing suspects under virtual house arrest should last no longer than two years and instead suspects should be given ASBOs. Now I’m not a fan of the ASBO, much as I dislike seeing behooded youths spitting, swearing and congregating in underground car parks kick cans about, I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that legislation solves and nor do I think that it’s a policy that stands any chance of being fairly implemented. The problem with ASBOs for terrorists however is isn’t it stretching it a bit to describe blowing up innocent people as "anti-social"?

Feb 13th

Religion

And the furore over the Archbishop of Canterbury’s comments about Sharia Law continues. This week he made a speech today to the General Synod – who I thought was a character from Star Wars - The Phantom Menace. Now it seems everyone has a view on his comments one way or another. Seems to me pretty obvious that if both parties in a dispute agree on mediation by whatever means – be it Sharia or arm-wrestling competition then they are well entitled to use such a means, but obviously if you want to go to a proper court, you should be able to. I also think we should all spend a lot less time worrying what the unelected head of a jumble sale organisation with plummeting membership thinks about our lives. Surely the whole problem with Sharia law is that it imposes religious laws on people who may not want them. I not only want no part of my life governed by Muslim Sharia judges, I also want no part governed by the Church of England.

Entertainment

Amy Winehouse won four Grammys but had to perform from London because US immigration officials refused to give her a visa because of her drug use. That’s fair enough because remember George Bush has a history of drug abuse and I bet they wish they’d never let him into the country.

Military

The US military announced it is bringing death penalty charges against Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and five other prisoners in Guantanamo Bay. They have apparently confessed to a huge list of crimes including orchestrating the September 11 attacks, the murder of Danny Pearl, the attack on the USS Cole and the bombing of the US Embassy in Kenya. But then that’s what water-boarding will do for you. They also admitted they were the illegitimate love children of Daffy Duck and Porky Pig.

Iraq

A British photojournalist and his interpreter have been kidnapped. I don’t understand. The kidnappers say they want all Westerners to leave their country. But one thing I find makes it really hard to leave a country is being chained to the floor of a concrete bunker.

Sport

Steven Spielberg has withdrawn as artistic adviser for the 2008 Beijing Olympics over concerns China is not doing enough to end the atrocities in Darfur. I think he should have stayed put and used the opening ceremony to make his point. Everyone in black and white, and one little girl in a red dress. And we could have seen an unprecedented level of new world records being set if he’d incorporated a little bit of a Jurassic Park feel into the sprinting events.

Science

Well, sorry, non-science. A report out yesterday says global warming could cut deaths related to cold weather in winter. Apparently if it isn’t cold, less people die of it being cold. They added that less people would die of obesity if there was no food.

Finally a quick headline from the BBC:

Agencies “failed” murdered baby. And they’ve got the word “failed” in inverted commas. I think we can pretty conclusively say that agencies charged with protecting the welfare of young children have failed when the baby’s been murdered.