Monday, 18 February 2008

Feb 18th

International News

John Prescott has warned people not to criticise China for its tacit support of the genocide in Darfur. He said “I always discuss human rights with China”. Adding “and I discuss paedopholia with the catholic church and global warming with Jeremy Clarkson.”


The government has announced it is to nationalise Northern Rock. The Conservatives responded saying they felt the bank should be privately owned. By them. The plans will include a downsizing of the bank and job cuts among the 4,300 staff, who will each lose an arm.

The bank’s new head, Ron Sandler assured the public however that it would be “business as usual” so shitty service, unnecessary charges and regular management trips to expensive lap-dancing joints. Seriously – “business as usual”, so lets carry on doing the same thing we were doing before when we went bust...! Great thinking.


Oral tests could be dropped from GCSE language qualifications because they are “too stressful”. Instead students will be continually assessed throughout the year. So basically an oral test that lasts a whole year. That would be less stressful, right? The move has been welcomed by the MoD who are experiencing a serious shortfall in Arabic and Pashtun translators. Although of course it is expected that in the future the military will have to communicate with insurgents using only multiple choice questions.

A few years ago they also stripped out the requirement for a written test in many GCSE language courses. If they reduce the standards any further I will be personally qualified in Persian, Russian and Swahili.


OK, not agriculture, American food. And the US has recalled 64.9m kg of beef, the largest recall in the country’s history. The department of health assured the public that the risk was minimal since (in their own words) “Much of the meat was purchased for school lunch and other federal nutrition programmes”. Don’t worry, only children and the poor are going to die. And they don’t vote republican anyway... The problem is that the meat came from animals known as “downers” in the inhumane horror-factories in which they exist. These are animals too weak to stand and you’re really not supposed to put them into burgers and feed them to people who are also too weak to stand. It just creates a vicious cycle.


The police are to be given 110 airport-style portable metal detecting arches to be taken to pubs, clubs, schools or wherever they are needed. The trouble with arches of course is that they work best embedded into a wall. I can’t help thinking that some of the most shrewd and canny criminal may ingeniously plan to walk around them.

Crime again

Mohammed al-Fayed has said Princess Diana and Dodi al-Fayed were murdered. He went on to say he wasn’t going to make any allegations. So I think next time he applied for British citizenship we can reject him on the basis that he’s not really trying to learn the language. Saying they were murdered is definitely an allegation.

Still Crime

A fifteen-year-old girl has been convicted of filming a “happy slap” on her mobile phone. The victim of the happy slap was assaulted and beaten to the point where his spleen ruptured and he died. How is it that if you film it it’s a happy slap and if not it’s manslaughter. Presumably if you film the crime hit and run car crime becomes “happy bumping”, shooting someone’s jaw off is “happy shaving” and rape becomes “happy groping”. Actually I’m sure somewhere in the UK right now there is a police officer trying to convince a very frightened looking young woman that she was probably asking for her “happy groping”. Puke.

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