Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Feb 5th


The new low emissions zone in London came in to effect yesterday. This left many 4x4 drivers confused by the signs and unsure whether or not they should use their vehicles. Lets clarify for any confused listeners – if the road is tarmacked – you shouldn’t be driving a 4x4, fuck off, I don’t care how many precious little hypo-allergenic brats you’ve got in it, or how many council estates you pass on the way to your overpriced selective school – walk, cycle or use public transport, the whole climate change thing isn’t one last hilarious posthumous prank from Jeremy Beadle, if we don’t sort it out there’ll be no point having kids soon.

Still with the environment

The Independent reports that an area twice the size of continental US in the Pacific Ocean has become what they call a plastic soup. If you’re wondering what that would taste like – order a thick-shake at MacDonald’s. Researchers are calling the area a “trash vortex”, a term normally only applied to Birmingham. One way to get rid of an area of trash twice the size of continental US of course would be to dump it on continental US. Twice.


And a BBC headline screams “Workers had sex on double time” – as though having sex at work was perfectly acceptable as long as you were only paid at a basic, non-bonus rate. Seriously – they even interview a witness to the alleged shag saying “Everyone who was in, including them, would have been on double time”. One of the accused is the director of leisure – who can surely chalk this one down to research – and is genuinely called Mr Woodcock. Mr McNeil, the employee who shopped the shagging pair has since been fired and is taking legal action amidst counter claims that he traded sex for favours in the council’s sports department. Apologies if your office sounds a bit dull now.


New housing minister Caroline Flint has said people living in social housing should get jobs. Social housing by the way is the new term for council housing – social housing sounds like there might be no dividing walls, so you can just pop over for a cuppa any time. She says she is surprised to discover unemployment levels are higher among those in social housing then the rest of the population. Doh. Don’t you get it – people without jobs, have less money and are less likely to have just put a deposit down on a semi-detached with a couple of ornamental lions by the door and about half an acre of decking. Whatever next – turns out the unemployed also own less Faberge eggs than the rest of the population.


Another alleged breakthrough in franken-science. A group in Newcastle claims to have created an embryo with one father and two mothers. They said this was safer than having two fathers who would only fight about football and leave twice as much dirty laundry on the floor.


A study from The Netherlands National Institute of Public Health and Environment discovered that those with a healthy lifestyle cost taxpayers more in medical bills over their lifetime than the obese or smokers. For five-fruit-and-veg-a-day yoga enthusiasts the bill is £210,000, £165,000 for smokers and £187,000 for the obese. The government is expected to respond with a series of pro-smoking, pro-obesity adverts. Tag lines like “Your first £40,000 of cigarettes are on us!” and “Don’t be a healthcare scrounger, have an extra quarter-pounder”. Ok that doesn’t even rhyme.

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