Feb 6th

Politics

A police reform report due out this week claims time and money wasted on red tape could put 3,000 more officers on the streets. A follow-up report is expected to explain that a further 50 could be on the beat if they stopped spending money on police reform reports. The author of the report Sir Ronnie Flanagan has spent a year compiling the report, a year he could have spent like Bob Geldof organising a big charity rock concert. The government is expected to face harsh questioning on why Live Aid 9 never happened.

The main culprit in the alleged overspend is the forms officers have to fill in when they perform a stop and search. These forms were brought in to monitor whether ethnic minorities were being unfairly targeted. So all that money being wasted making sure the police aren’t racist. What a waste eh? Let’s just assume they’re not and save all that money...

Crime

And in response to Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s claims that she didn’t feel safe walking the streets at night a group of four Labour MPS went for an after-hours wander around Hackney, right near where I live. This was notable among local residents as the first time people had ever wished there was more gun and knife crime in their area.

Intl News

Osama bin Laden's son, Omar, and his British wife are in Rome in an effort to meet with the Pope on their self-proclaimed mission to promote world peace. Was the pope ever likely to go to war? Are they worried about a reprise of the 1527 sack of Rome by the Swiss Guards? How ironic that after your Dad’s army flies planes into the World Trade Centre you should be advising a group of guys dressed as court jesters to “put down those halberds”.

Celebrities

Glamour model Jordan has spoken out to warn other women about the dangers plastic surgery. This is significant a break from the past where just looking at her warned women about the dangers of plastic surgery. She is unhappy with her recent boob reduction surgery because, and this is a direct quote: "When I saw my boobs I was disappointed because they looked big … But I still want people to think I've got big boobs." The surgeon’s failure may well be down to his insistence on using a scalpel rather than an improbability drive.

And finally in Wales

A brass band that won an award contains five married couples. I don’t know why this is news, unless of course they’re a six-piece band. Maybe they just kept giving each other the horn...