Feb 8th

Religion

The Archbishop of Canterbury has come under fire after offering his support for some aspects of Sharia law in Britain. He said we needed to face up to the fact that some citizens do not relate to the British legal system. I thought those people were called criminals, ho hum. Trevor Philips from the equality and Human Rights commission said the “implication that British courts should treat people differently based on their faith is divisive and dangerous” although it would probably do wonders for attendance at my newly-founded Church of no Speeding Fines.

US

And Mitt Romney has withdrawn from the race for the republican presidential nomination. He said “In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror” which confuses me not only because the US declared victory in Iraq several years ago but also because how exactly would you surrender to terror? Go home and watch horror movies? He went on to claim that a Democrat president “would retreat [from Iraq] and declare defeat” whereas a republican would stay in there until they’d been properly defeated, and still claim victory.

Science

A report from Iceland says people who marry a distant relative have more children. They suggest the results of the survey may be due to genetic compatibility. Alternatively it could reflect the cost savings of having less in-laws to visit around Christmas.

Politics

Nick Clegg, the Lib Dem leader has said the UK over-uses medication to treat mental illness. He highlighted members of his own party who have battled their demons using nothing more than litres of neat whiskey and legions of rent boys. The results of a survey by the Lib Dems found some patients waiting up to two years for counselling. Which is a bit like [timid] “Hello is that the Samaritans” [formal] “Your call is important to us here at the Samaritans and has been placed in a queue for the next available operator. There are currently 9,475,286 people in this queue. Please continue to hold the line.”

Media

A poster published by the Christian Congress for Traditional Values has been attacked by the Advertising Standards Authority for using the slogan “Gay aim: abolish the family”. The ASA say the advert is “likely to offend gay people” but isn’t the issue more that it’s likely to make people think the group are from another planet? I’m really tempted to write to them and ask if they can send me the rest of the “gay manifesto”. I went and looked at their website and it turns out their other main campaign issue is telling people not to worry about global warming. Remind me to go back tomorrow and do a search for their policy on abortion. It’s bound to make great reading...

Royals

Robert Brown, the Jersey accountant who believes he is the illegitimate love child of Princess Margaret has won the right to put his case over access to royal wills. He says he realised he was related to the royal family in his early twenties when he lost the ability to talk without spitting and had to be fed from a nosebag.

Royals again

And if you heard the exclamation “Oh my God I can't believe these naans are so big. I've never seen anything like it” you’d be mistaken for thinking Wayne Rooney had walked into a roly-poly theme-brothel but in fact Prince William said it when he visited a curry house in York this week. The restaurant owner said he was proud to have served the prince. The off licensee next door was just as proud to have sold him a case of lager and a straw and a local resident said it was an honour and a privilege to have the young prince puke on his dog on the way home.