Feb 4th

War on terror

The government has issued a new phrase book to advise civil servants on how to talk to Muslims about terrorism without implying they are to blame. Phrases to be employed include “The Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Islamic, wiccan, secular or Jedi suicide bomber ran into the building shouting “Allah Akbah”” and readers are advised to replace the term “jihadi fundamentalist” with “thug”. Which could backfire if the substitution is made the other way round. It’s quite a rough nightclub, they have a couple of right jihadi fundamentalists on the door.

Environment

The worst polluting lorries, buses and coaches are now being charged £200 a day to enter London. Boris Johnson (really) said this was “the most punitive, draconian fining regime in the whole of Europe” after which his spokeswoman said Boris was “in favour in principle”. So I guess he really likes punitive draconian regimes...

Science

A group of scientists have announced what they describe as a major breakthough – they have succeeded in giving a mouse a cold. Well done team – how about focussing on curing the common cold? The last thing that’s going to make me feel any better when on the sofa wrappen a duvet sipping Lemsip is the sound of my rodent infestation sneezing in the basement.

Education

The government has unveiled plans to have two students from every school in England sent to Auschwitz. When I was a kid the worst you could get was after-school detention. They hope that the students will return and tell the rest of their classmates about the experience. School’s Minister Jim Knight said “It was not hot-blooded brutality, it happened in a very planned way, with some people designing the process of death and others carrying it out. Every young person should have an understanding of this”. Those students with the best understanding of planned brutality will earn themselves the title “school bully”.

Crime

A major new report on honour killings and forced marriages in the UK has been released. Crimes of the Community presents a grim picture of life in the UK for women in many religious minorities. In the report one woman described how she had been tricked in to marriage to a mentally retarded man. Victoria Beckham said in retrospect she should have made more of a fuss.

Travel

A German travel agent is planning a nudist flight. The journey from Erfurt to Usedom on the Baltic coast will cost 499 Euros and take place in July. Regional baggage handlers have booked the day off. The cabin safety announcements have been modified to accommodate the naked passengers. The new advice says “in the event of a water landing, trust me the sharks are more scared than you are”. The life jackets will not have whistles since the passengers are likely to be well able to attract attention to themselves unaided.

International News

A UN report says women in Saudi Arabia should be allowed more basic freedoms. Follow-up reports are expected to advise nations that bear may shit in the woods and the pope may be just a little bit catholic. The Saudi government responded saying they hadn’t seen any discrimination against women. Mainly because all the women were locked up indoors unable to go outside on pain of being stoned to death. He really did say there was no discrimination against women in Saudi Arabia. Like he hasn’t noticed that Saudi women aren’t allowed to drive or travel anywhere unaccompanied by male relatives.

History

According to just released historical documents, a toilet attendant in Oxford Street foiled an IRA bombing attack. Thomas Hawkett spotted the bomb in a cubicle in 1939. He quickly dumped it in a bucket of water, knowing this would render the explosive charge inoperative. In recognition of hi courageous action, officials awarded Hawkett £5 for his "commendable and meritorious conduct". The next time Hawkett spotted a suspicious package, he shoved it up the official’s ass.

Religion

A group of computer hackers has targeted The Church of Scientology, manipulating Google so that a search for the term “dangerous cult” gives the official Scientology website as the first result. This is particularly bad news for those surfing the net for information about Catholicism who will now have to scroll to page two.